When I went in for my 36-week growth scan and learned that my baby had passed away, I was absolutely shattered. A crushing wave of grief and disbelief washed over me. For the first few weeks, I’d wake up in the middle of the night, momentarily forgetting the tragedy. But as I transitioned from sleep to wakefulness, the stark reality would hit me with a jolt: this was not just a nightmare; it was my new reality.
People often struggle to find the right words when a parent loses a child. It goes against the natural order of life. In fact, there’s no specific term for parents who have lost their children. Consider this: if you lose your parents, you’re an orphan; if your spouse passes away, you’re a widow or widower. But if you lose a child? Well, everyone else is just relieved it’s not them.
Conversations with friends and family in the early days of grief can be awkward and uncomfortable. While some individuals offer a simple hug and a few kind words, many feel the need to fill the silence with well-meaning but nonsensical phrases. One of the most common? “Everything happens for a reason.”
I can’t tell you how many times I heard that after my loss. It’s baffling how people throw around this phrase without truly contemplating its implications. When tragedy strikes, it seems like everyone feels the need to reach for this cliché, as if those five little words can somehow create order from chaos.
Did your dog get hit by a car? Don’t fret; everything happens for a reason. Lost your job and your home? No worries—everything happens for a reason. Your partner cheated on you? Just remember, everything happens for a reason. Your child is facing bullying at school? Don’t be sad; everything happens for a reason.
And when it comes to losing a baby? Well, don’t be down because everything happens for a reason. Yet, no one can actually explain what that so-called reason is.
The underlying suggestion is that one day, you’ll realize how this terrible event was somehow for the best. You’re supposed to believe that you’ll glean valuable lessons from your heartbreak. Just hang tight until that magical moment when everything makes sense.
Let me be clear: I absolutely reject the idea that everything happens for a reason. Anyone who believes that has likely never faced real tragedy. What possible justification can there be for the death of a perfectly healthy baby? Can’t think of one? Exactly, because there isn’t one. There’s no higher wisdom guiding these events—sometimes, it just plain sucks.
Why did our baby die while another was born addicted to substances? Why did our desired child perish when others are neglected and discarded? Each time I read about a baby abandoned or mistreated, it makes me want to scream. Everything happens for a reason? Absolutely not. The truth is that life is simply random.
Being a good person, or following a particular faith, doesn’t protect you from experiencing profound loss. Did you really think that just because you’re decent, you’d be spared from heartbreak? Think again. Life doesn’t play fair. Sometimes bad things happen to the best people, while undeserving individuals seem to skate by unscathed.
So stop blaming yourself and trying to rationalize the unfairness of life by insisting there must be a reason for your suffering. Forget about searching for some grand lesson or purpose in tragedy. Sometimes, bad things just happen, without any rhyme or reason.
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Summary
This reflection emphasizes the profound pain of losing a child and critiques the common phrase “everything happens for a reason.” It challenges the notion that tragedy is justified by some greater purpose, underlining that sometimes life’s harshness is random and senseless.