These days, parenting is pretty much my entire world. I’m living it, breathing it, and yes, I even found myself in therapy because of it. Since welcoming my daughter into the world two years ago, I’ve discovered just how different my approach to parenting is compared to that of my own parents. It’s not that I’m trying to compare, but becoming a mom has really opened my eyes to the fact that my childhood wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. This realization pushed me to confront some lingering issues from the past. The generational differences in parenting styles are quite common and contribute to the feelings of isolation many moms experience — not to mention that ever-present mom guilt.
My parents were just teenagers when they had my brother and me, at ages 18 and 19, and let’s just say we weren’t exactly a planned arrival. They were still navigating their own unresolved issues when they took on the role of parents. My dad grew up an immigrant facing a violent upbringing, while my mom faced poverty and an alcoholic mother.
In the week following my daughter’s birth, I found myself reflecting on the sacrifices my parents made for us, only to realize that those sacrifices were often accompanied by resentment. There was resentment towards each other, towards my brother, and toward me. This resentment manifested in my dad’s infidelities and aggression, while my mom’s passive aggression and misplaced anger often fell on us. If you asked them, they’d argue they worked tirelessly to give us a better life than they had.
As I became more aware of the dysfunction in my upbringing, I grew increasingly protective of my child, which led to trust issues. I started distancing myself from friends, rarely took breaks because I didn’t trust babysitters, and was consumed with the need to do everything “right.” But what does “right” even mean? My understanding was shaped by instinct, online advice, and the experiences of other moms.
Visiting my parents with my daughter brought several uncomfortable yet enlightening moments. For instance, when my dad called my daughter “smart,” he questioned, “But what if she isn’t smart?” I was baffled because, in my eyes, she was already brilliant. During a breastfeeding session, my dad had to leave the room in a panic, and my mom playfully held my four-month-old over her head, telling her to “tell Mommy to shut up.” It was meant to be a joke, but it highlighted the lack of respect we experienced as children, which I realized contributed to some “problems” I caused them, stemming from their own parenting mishaps — the classic “do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do” approach.
After college, I ventured across the country, seeking work in a nonprofit organization focused on anti-violence. It was there that I learned about the impact of abuse on children and developed a better understanding of healthy relationships. When my daughter was born, I found myself alone with her all day while my partner worked long shifts. With too much time to think, my thoughts turned dark, and I began to feel anger toward my childhood experiences. I realized I had been burying my issues in work, and the triggers I encountered while helping others began to overwhelm me.
I was the first among my friends to step into parenthood, and I kept my struggles to myself, not wanting to alarm them. My daughter’s sleep schedule was a disaster; we were up all night and slept during the day. I felt an isolation deeper than I ever imagined, which took a toll on my self-esteem. Guilt about my inability to trust my own family weighed heavily on me, prompting me to seek therapy to unpack my past and begin rebuilding my confidence.
Working with a therapist, I learned just how vital friendships with other moms can be. As I talked less with my own mom and connected with new mom friends, I began to understand that many of us experience this overwhelming mix of love and trauma that comes with parenthood. Whether it’s a partner who doesn’t pull their weight, health issues, or even postpartum depression, we all have our battles.
Most parents strive to create a better life for their kids than they had. For my parents, it meant working hard to avoid poverty; for my dad’s family, it meant emigrating to escape hardship; for my mom’s mother, it meant leaving an abusive relationship for safety. I don’t blame my parents for how they raised me, but I recognize I have healing to do. I want to build my confidence and manage my anxieties so I can be the mother my daughter deserves, sparing her from the struggles I endured.
Parenting is a journey filled with overwhelming love and inevitable mistakes. I know I’ll make my share of errors along the way, but my goal is for my child to always feel cherished and respected. I hope she grows up with a sense of safety and the ability to form connections, so when challenges arise, she can be kind to herself and find support in others — even if that support involves grappling with her feelings about my parenting.
If you’re on a similar journey, you might find valuable insights in our other blog posts, like this one on the importance of fertility supplements or in vitro fertilization.
In summary, motherhood can be a rollercoaster filled with both challenges and joys. The key lies in recognizing our past, seeking support, and striving to create a loving environment for our children.