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A Note to the Lady at the Shoe Store
Hey there! You may not remember me, but we crossed paths a little while ago at a beachside shoe store. My family was there so my mom could hunt for flip-flops, while my 5-year-old, Jamie, decided he needed some new shoes (even though he really didn’t). You kindly pointed us in the right direction, and we had a quick chat about school before you reached out and touched Jamie’s head.
Now, if it hadn’t been for that little moment of hair exploration, I probably wouldn’t have thought much about our interaction. But you lingered, running your fingers through his curls like they were a new toy. I stood there, frozen in place, wishing I could voice my discomfort—but the urge to be polite took over.
As a white mom with a black son, I’ve experienced these moments before. A simple touch can feel more like curiosity than affection, and it makes me want to protect him from being treated as an object of fascination. I want him to know that his personal space is his own and that it’s okay to stand up for himself if someone makes him uncomfortable.
I spent days reflecting on that encounter, discussing it with my husband, family, and friends in mixed-race families, trying to understand if I was overreacting. I even reached out to friends to ask if their kids had similar experiences. I learned that for many black individuals, touching someone else’s hair is a rare thing, rooted in respect and an understanding of the care and love that goes into maintaining it. Unfortunately, many people, including yourself, might not recognize this cultural significance.
I totally get that curiosity can be innocent. However, it’s important to realize that it’s not appropriate to invade someone’s personal space just to satisfy your own wonder. Sometimes, curiosity needs to take a backseat, especially when it crosses boundaries.
Right now, I’m teaching Jamie that his body belongs to him, and it’s perfectly fine for him to say “no” to unwanted touches. He’s still too young to understand the racial implications behind this, but I want to set the foundation for him to know where the lines are drawn.
Now, I can’t help but wonder—if Jamie had been with his dad, would you have done the same? My whiteness isn’t a free pass to invade his space. I don’t want to be the mom who reacts to every curious question with defensiveness; we’re all navigating this world together, after all. I want to empower my kids to be assertive but also understanding.
If your curiosity is genuine and you’re interested in learning more about my family or caring for black hair, I’d be happy to chat—just maybe not in front of my 5-year-old, who’s already navigating feelings of being “other” in predominantly white spaces, like that shoe store. Conversations are key to moving forward together, and I owe it to my kids to foster that dialogue.
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Summary
In this personal reflection, a mother recounts an encounter at a shoe store where a woman touched her black son’s hair without consent. She explores feelings of protectiveness and the implications of such actions in a racially conscious world. The mother emphasizes the importance of understanding personal boundaries and encourages open dialogue about race and cultural respect.