Just before the school year kicked off, I stumbled upon a nightmare: my daughters were infested with lice. Not just a couple of nits, mind you, but actual brown bugs wreaking havoc in their lovely long, blonde hair. Naturally, I lost my cool—like, really lost it.
“OH MY GOSH, WE HAVE LICE! GET IN THE CAR! WE’RE GOING TO CVS! WAIT! DON’T TOUCH ANYTHING!”
After purchasing four boxes of Nix, I returned home. Home—the once safe haven was now a breeding ground for lice! Those pesky bugs were lurking, just waiting to invade our heads and lay eggs. How dare they! Damn those little #@$*%#s!
To give you a sense of my sheer panic as a clean-freak and type-A personality, picture this: as I coated my girls’ hair in Nix and hollered, “STAY OFF OF EVERYTHING!!,” I was frantically texting my friend Lily about the “situation.” My kind-hearted friend, lucky enough to be lice-free, responded with encouraging words:
- “You’ve got this, Jamie!”
- “They’re not sick!”
- “Just breathe!”
But when her text therapy didn’t calm my almost-hyperventilating state, Lily knew she had to act. With a stealthy, secret mission, she zipped over to my place, left her car running in my driveway, rang the doorbell, and disappeared. I opened the door, bleary-eyed and suspicious, to find a note, a bottle of chardonnay, and a bag of chocolates. Bless her heart, she knew I was on the brink of despair.
The thing about lice? When you think you can handle it on your own, they laugh at you. I swear I heard them snickering, saying, “You might have found those nits, but I’ve hidden a whole army on those billions of hair strands over there. BWAHHAAHAHAAAAAA!” And then, just to mess with me, they’d change the color of their baby nits! One moment they’re white, the next? Brown!
THIS IS SO UNFAIR!
The adult lice? They’re monstrous! It’s enough to make you cringe and question how you could ever let your kids’ heads get so gross. You start to resent their beautiful hair—hair you once admired—and even fantasize about shaving it all off just to end the madness. Then reality hits. Your daughters would hate you, possibly leading to a future filled with rebellion and Dr. Phil appearances. So, you keep picking out nits and applying that Nix.
Three days in, and when I realized those four boxes of Nix weren’t cutting it, that was when the real panic began.
Olive oil. In the chaos of washing every piece of clothing in the house multiple times a day and vacuuming every inch, I slathered my girls’ hair in gooey olive oil, convinced it would “drown” the lice. Drown? My girls had been swimming constantly the previous weeks and these stubborn pests had survived! Reluctantly, I tried it. I wouldn’t let my girls sit on the couches, fearing the lice would jump onto the cushions, so they sat on towels on the hardwood floor, glued to the TV while I cleaned, cried, and cleaned some more.
My daughters missed four days of school, and I missed four days of work. I was even contemplating divorce from my husband, who seemed oddly relieved every time he left for work. My new routine looked like this:
- Wake up. Realize there’s lice in my house.
- Contemplate shaving everyone’s heads.
- Consider divorcing my husband.
- Crave wine.
- Crave coffee.
- Get out of bed.
- Drink coffee.
- Sit daughter number one in the chair for a nit-picking session.
- Daughter one cries and whines.
- Curse the school for the lice.
- Find nits but no live lice.
- Feel a flicker of hope.
- Feel despair.
- Resist the urge to shave heads.
- Douse hair in olive oil.
- Repeat with daughter number two.
- Wash everything in the house again.
- Curse husband for having a job.
- Wonder if it’s too early for wine.
- Rinse out olive oil and check for nits again.
This cycle continued for two more days until, finally, a miracle! Someone mentioned a top-secret place in the neighboring town that specializes in lice removal. It costs around $200 a head, but they guarantee results!
WHY DIDN’T I HEAR ABOUT THIS SOONER?
I called this mysterious lice-busting place, and a friendly woman answered. After explaining “the situation,” I felt like a total mess. She said to hurry over since we sounded like an emergency.
The office was tucked behind some storage units, and I could faintly hear a dog barking in the distance. A chain-link fence separated us from an auto-repair shop, and I noticed a questionable character picking food out of his teeth. I rushed my girls into a place aptly named “The Lice Conquerors.”
Two hours later, I was proclaimed the ultimate Lice Slayer! The staff complimented my nit-picking prowess and informed me that I had successfully eradicated the lice from my girls’ heads. They practically awarded me a medal of honor and charged me just a $20 head check fee. I walked out feeling like I had truly won a battle.
Lice are no joke. They’re gross, creepy, and can wreak havoc on a marriage (kidding!). So, if a friend finds themselves in a lice crisis, lend a helping hand: bring wine and chocolate. Actually, just bring the wine.
This article was originally published on September 7, 2015.
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Summary
This article recounts a mother’s frantic journey when she discovers her daughters have lice just before school starts. The humorous tale highlights her panic, various methods of lice removal, and ultimately finding professional help to conquer the infestation. It emphasizes the challenges and emotional rollercoaster parents experience during such crises, reminding readers to lend a hand to friends in need.