For four years, I delved deep into the world of relationships. I immersed myself in all the latest research on nurturing and repairing bonds, devouring books, attending seminars, and watching countless videos. I became quite adept at analyzing family dynamics; I could observe a family’s interactions for just a few minutes and pinpoint the parenting styles and backgrounds of each parent. I thought I knew it all about relationships, families, and marriages. Yet, despite this knowledge, I often struggle to implement what I’ve learned in my own life.
Recently, I reminisced about the fantastic child-free “grad-iversary” trip (a fun mashup of graduation and anniversary) my partner, Jake, and I took in January. It was an incredible experience filled with adventure and relaxation—easily the best getaway I’ve ever had. However, instead of reflecting on our exhilarating activities like zip-lining through a rainforest or rappelling down waterfalls, I found myself fixating on a solitary walk I took on the beach. That day, a 45-minute stroll had me contemplating leaving my family behind to start anew in Costa Rica.
The day kicked off with a chilly “good morning” and a quiet breakfast. Jake, usually pleasant in the mornings, seemed tense and snappy. Instead of tuning into his mood, I brushed it off and continued my routine. Below are the three blunders I made that day that negatively impacted both of us:
Mistake No. 1:
I turned away from Jake when I should have leaned in. I had the perfect opportunity to initiate a loving conversation that could have brought us closer, but instead, I chose to retreat into my own thoughts. We eventually settled into our favorite poolside cabana, where silence reigned. I got lost in my book under the sun, temporarily forgetting about the tension. However, I was reminded when I attempted to engage him in conversation, only to be met with indifference.
Feeling sorry for myself, I started to think, “How dare he ruin my day?” When I finally asked him for a drink from the bar—while I lounged comfortably in my swimsuit—he snapped back with hurtful comments. I was left feeling devalued, and when I feel that way, I often respond with anger. Jake stormed off to our room, leaving me fuming by the pool, unable to concentrate on my reading. Then it hit me: he only lashes out when he’s feeling unfulfilled.
Mistake No. 2:
Instead of reaching out to him, I let my awareness of his emotional distress fuel my resentment. In no time, I recalled all the past moments where Jake had made me feel less than valued. Sure, he had needs that he hadn’t communicated, but at that moment, my feelings felt like the priority. I found myself mentally labeling him as selfish and childish, allowing over an hour to pass before I trudged back to the room, expecting an apology from him.
Mistake No. 3:
I sought reconnection through receiving rather than giving. When I returned to our room, I found Jake sprawled on the bed, engrossed in golf. I waited for him to initiate an apology, but it never came. I certainly wasn’t about to apologize first, so instead of offering compassion, I snapped, “Are you really going to sulk all day? What a waste of a pricey vacation!” He didn’t respond, and my “generous” invitation to join me didn’t entice him.
Thus began “the walk.” As I strolled along the beach, I daydreamed about the freedom of being single—no one else’s feelings to consider, no responsibilities, no arguments. It all seemed so appealing. Then a funny thing happened. Amidst my daydream of a carefree life, I realized, “He’s hurting. He has needs I’m ignoring. He needs love and understanding.”
I fought those thoughts, trying to cling to my vision of independence, but I couldn’t shake the truth: Jake needed me, and I had turned my back on him. The person I care for most was suffering alone, and here I was, being cold and unkind.
While I wish I could say that since that day our relationship has been flawless, that’s just not realistic. After eight years together, we still have our share of arguments, and our tempers can flare. We sometimes have days where we barely speak or even sleep in separate beds. Yet, we keep working at it. We strive to show grace, forgiveness, and patience. Most importantly, we continue to grow in our understanding of each other and our marriage.
Despite the knowledge I possess about relationships, I learn something new every day. I practice turning towards Jake instead of away, becoming more attuned to his needs, and learning to give instead of expecting. Above all, I fight for our marriage, knowing it’s worth every ounce of effort.
If you’re interested in more about relationships, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination at MedlinePlus. And don’t forget to explore this insightful piece on the importance of compassion in relationships—offered by another one of our blog posts.
Summary:
Navigating relationships can be tough, even for those with extensive knowledge about them. In this article, I reflect on a recent trip where I made three common mistakes: turning away instead of towards my partner, letting awareness of his pain fuel resentment, and seeking to receive rather than give. While our disagreements are still part of our journey, we continue to work on understanding each other and fostering our connection.