Revised: Sep. 5, 2023
Originally Published: Sep. 5, 2023
When I was 35, I found out I was pregnant. As an actress, 35 felt like I was practically at the end of my career—40 was the age where it seemed like I’d be offered a spot at the Last Chance Cafe. Or so I believed.
During my pregnancy, I distinctly remember sitting outside an audition room, jotting down thoughts in my spiral notebook. That moment served as my first indication that I was inching into a “certain age.” Here’s what I noted:
- Motherhood is an exhilarating adventure, but it’s not the only journey I’m undertaking. I’m an actress, and I’m merely hitting pause for a while.
- I want my daughter to see me as a working actress, to understand auditions and the craft of character building. She should know that studying scripts is part of my job.
- My motivation has surged now that I’m about to become a mother. Even if my achievements post-baby are on the smaller side, what matters is that she witnesses me striving and pushing forward.
Shortly after writing this list, I found myself in the bathroom feeling ill. Pregnancy was a whirlwind—full of chaos, love, and sleepless nights. Balancing work and life? Perhaps one day.
Now, at 40, I’m back in the audition game. But strangely, during my five-year hiatus from the industry, I discovered something remarkable—I became better at my craft.
The other day, I sat in a casting office, observing those in their twenties and thirties chatting nervously. Some were boasting about their latest TV roles, while others were busy worrying about how to navigate life in New York City. As I signed in for my 12 p.m. slot on an iPad—what a change from the old days!—I couldn’t help but notice their anxious glances and fidgeting.
Pulling out my spiral notebook again (yes, I admit, I still keep my headshots and resumes in a Trapper Keeper), I made a fresh list:
- I feel completely at ease before auditions now—something I don’t think I ever experienced before becoming a parent. My responsibilities have grounded me; no single audition holds all the weight.
- The opinions of others in the room don’t faze me. While they’re sizing each other up, I’m not viewing anyone as competition. If I’m the right fit, I’ll land the role.
- At 40, I feel more confident about my appearance than I did at 35. My hair might even be shinier—who knows, but it’s a nice thought!
- I’m going to ace this audition, and if I don’t get the role, it won’t be for lack of effort.
- Oh, and let’s not forget Cheerios, sunscreen, and applesauce—my lists cover all bases!
Five years ago, my agents decided to part ways with me when I began my journey into motherhood. My dreams faded into the background as I became consumed with caring for my little one. I was anxious about my pregnancy and the new life ahead. When my daughter finally arrived, I felt like a bloated mess, overwhelmed by the demands of nursing. I feared I might never regain my previous self.
Now, looking back, I find myself feeling a bit sorry for those young actors fretting over auditions. They’re stressed about memorizing lines and worrying whether they belong in the room at all.
A wise actress friend of my mother’s once told me, “When you walk into an audition, convey this thought: The solution to your problem just walked in. I’m exactly what you need.” Last night, I reached out to her to share that after 30 years, I’ve finally embraced that advice. At 40, I stride into casting offices knowing I’m the answer they’re searching for.
Who would have thought that five years of dedicating myself to the unglamorous role of motherhood would make me feel more youthful, beautiful, and self-assured than I ever did as a nervous young actress?
For more great insights on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource provided by the CDC. And if you’re curious about at-home options, take a look at Cryobaby’s at-home insemination kit. To read more about the topic, don’t miss our terms and conditions.
Summary
The transition from 35 to 40 brings significant changes for a mother and actress. Embracing motherhood has transformed the author’s perspective, making auditions feel less daunting and fostering a newfound confidence. As she navigates her career and motherhood, she reflects on the growth that comes with age and experience.