Five long, heart-wrenching years have passed, and here I am—a mom in spirit to two babies lost too soon—awaiting the freedom that the decree nisi will bring. My husband’s health struggles and the subsequent infertility from treatment have cast a shadow over our marriage, leaving us with a connection that couldn’t withstand the strain. Mental health challenges also played a part, but we both understand that the choices we made weren’t always the best. In the end, we’ve mutually agreed that divorce is the healthiest path forward (and thankfully, we’re still here to say so).
At 32 and newly single, trusting another man with my heart feels like a distant dream, making the possibility of having children of my own seem almost nonexistent. Accepting this reality has been no walk in the park. Sure, I could consider fostering or adoption—or even that adventurous route of getting pregnant on my own—but after careful consideration, none of those options truly fit my circumstances or desires. You might say I’ve crafted my own childless nest, but the sting is no less severe than the “life handed me lemons” narrative.
Yet, there are children in my life who feel like mine, even if it’s just on a part-time basis. My adorable niece and nephew are constant bright spots, and I revel in the joy of spending time with them. I can play, cuddle, and enjoy their laughter, all while having the delightful option to hand them back when the time’s right. Those full-body hugs, whispered secrets, and tiny hands clasped in trust make my heart swell.
Then there are my best friend Mia’s kids, who I’ve known since they arrived in this world. Their visits bring a whirlwind of giggles and chaos, and together, we create our own little family unit. We leave love messages in foam tiles during bath time and collaborate to make magic happen in our quirky, loving way.
I also have a goddaughter, a spirited little whirlwind who occasionally lets me shower her with affection. It’s incredible to see her blossom into her own unique self, sharing her thoughts and dreams with me.
Across the globe, I’ve connected with children through their writer-moms, forming a bond that transcends distance. We share letters, glitter-filled surprises, and even video calls, where they pop in to say hello. Thanks to this wonderful, diverse crew, I have cherished memories of newborn snuggles, the weight of a tiny one dozing on my shoulder, and the inevitable drool that comes along with it. My shelves are adorned with school photos and artwork, while sweet letters in colorful kid handwriting bring a smile to my face.
I fondly remember those serene moments of lullabies and tiny hands grasping my arm as they drift off to sleep, their soft, fruity scent enveloping me in warmth. Each of those little ones has reached out to me, claiming a piece of my heart in their own special way.
As they grow and develop their own voices, I cherish the evolving nature of our relationships. They share their lives with me, inviting me into their worlds and allowing me to witness their individuality. I’m excited to cheer them on through milestones and be the safe haven they can escape to. I’m committed to being there for them, celebrating successes and offering comfort in tough times. Together, we’ll grow and evolve, striving to be the best versions of ourselves.
In the end, these kids—no matter how sporadic or far-flung—are a little bit mine. So, I will gather them close and shower them with love from my not-so-wasted mama heart. Because, at the heart of it all, love triumphs.
If you’re curious about starting or expanding your own family, check out this resource for valuable information on pregnancy and home insemination. You might also enjoy learning about how to use an artificial insemination kit for your journey. And for a deeper dive into the topic, visit this blog post for further insights.
Summary
In this heartfelt reflection, Lila Hart shares her journey of navigating life as a childless, newly single woman. Despite the challenges of infertility and divorce, she celebrates the meaningful connections she has with the children in her life—her niece, nephew, and her best friend’s kids—whom she loves fiercely in their part-time, borrowed capacity. Through shared laughter, adventures, and heartfelt moments, Lila finds joy in these relationships while acknowledging her longing for motherhood.