In the world of parenting, the quest to raise successful and happy children can sometimes lead us astray. Take, for example, the insights from educator and author, Sarah Mitchell, who penned The Gift of Failure. After years in the classroom and as a mother, she had a lightbulb moment: despite our best intentions, we’ve inadvertently taught our kids to shy away from failure, which, ironically, hinders their path to success.
Our role as parents should focus on nurturing competence, independence, and an intrinsic love of learning. However, Sarah discovered that many parents, herself included, often do the opposite. We tend to pave an easy road for our children, believing there’s plenty of time to teach them resilience before they transition into adulthood.
It’s comforting to feel needed, to swoop in and save the day, especially when our instincts tell us otherwise. For instance, in an attempt to help my son get organized during his school years, I installed a massive dry-erase board above his desk. The idea was that if he could see his assignments, he’d be less likely to forget them. Yet, I kept nudging him to write on it and check it, allowing him to escape full responsibility. Fast forward to his freshman year of college, when my reminders were absent, and he miscalculated deadlines, leading to some avoidable mistakes. Deep down, I knew that my efforts to help were actually stifling his ability to manage on his own.
After realizing this, Sarah and her husband decided it was time to change their approach. They stopped rescuing their children from their errors and instead encouraged them to take on responsibilities appropriate for their ages, both at home and in school. The goal was clear: to trade the short-term satisfaction of helping for the long-term benefit of raising capable, independent learners.
Then came the day when her younger son left an important homework assignment behind on the coffee table. Sarah had plans to be at his school that day and could easily have delivered the paper. But she fought the urge to intervene and shared her struggles with her followers on social media, quipping that “letting my kids mess up” was challenging and, in her words, “KILLING ME.”
Support flooded in, but one mother questioned her choice. “Isn’t it too harsh to let him face the consequences? What would it hurt to just take it to him?” she argued. Sarah’s response was thoughtful: While helping a spouse or friend might be an act of kindness, rescuing a child in this manner sends the message that they are incapable and unworthy of trust. This reliance ultimately robs them of the critical lessons in competence we, as parents, are meant to impart.
Admittedly, I used to play the role of the homework courier, and while my children are now more independent, I can’t help but reflect on how my actions may have shaped their habits. In a recent call from my son at college, he sheepishly admitted he forgot some essentials at home and asked when I’d be visiting next. It was a moment of truth: I had often stepped in to save him, which perhaps didn’t prepare him as well as it should have.
Sarah’s book is a wake-up call for all parents. It reminds us that our primary mission isn’t just to ensure our children are happy or successful today; it’s about raising adults who can navigate life on their own. If you’re looking for more insights on parenting and related topics, check out our other blog post here. And if you’re considering artificial insemination options, Make a Mom offers excellent products and information. For those exploring pregnancy and fertility treatments, this resource provides valuable insights into the IVF process.
In summary, embracing failure as a teaching moment can ultimately empower our children to become self-sufficient adults. Letting them stumble, learn, and grow is a gift that will serve them throughout their lives.