Parenting
You Haven’t Experienced Sass Until You’ve Raised a 5-Year-Old
by Jessica Moore
Updated: Aug. 20, 2015
Originally Published: Aug. 5, 2015
As parents, we can’t help but feel giddy when our little ones take their first steps or start babbling adorable, albeit nonsensical, words. We cherish those sweet snuggles and messy kisses, often believing our tiny humans are the most brilliant and well-mannered toddlers to ever exist. They grow out of diapers and Sippy cups, and we marvel at the delightful little beings they are. But then they hit the big FIVE.
(Wow, just wow.)
I’m pretty sure the reason babies and toddlers are so irresistibly cute is because they later morph into mouthy, sassy preschoolers. No amount of gentle persuasion, bribery, yelling, or begging can put a stop to it. To navigate this wild ride, prepare yourself for these seven hilariously obnoxious behaviors and hold onto the hope that your once-cuddly child will eventually outgrow them.
- Whatever
The first time your kiddo hears this cheeky word, you can practically see the light bulb flick on in their head. They’ve just jumped from the simple “no” to the sassy “whatever,” which, let’s be honest, is essentially the toddler equivalent of “talk to the hand.” - Eye Rolling
Childhood isn’t complete until your little star has perfected the classic eye roll. No matter what you say, you can count on this infuriating gesture to accompany your every word, which is basically a synonym for “whatever.” - Correcting
Nothing gets my blood boiling faster than hearing my proud little one say, “Well, actually, Mom…” after I’ve shared a nugget of wisdom. The only silver lining? The sheer volume of how wrong they usually are. For example, a T-Rex was not 800 feet long. I’ve checked the facts 900 times at your insistence, kiddo! - The Last Word
Nothing undermines your parental authority quite like a smug mini-version of yourself getting the last word in a heated debate over dinner choices or timeout durations. As tempting as it may be to scream, “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!” you can’t, because then they’ll know they’ve won. - Trying Out Swears
This one is a trip. And by “trip,” I mean utterly mortifying when your outspoken genius drops a loud and clear F-bomb in a public place. Let me tell you, the heat radiating from your cheeks in embarrassment is real! - Oppositional Coolness
When kids start figuring out what’s cool, they often aim for the parental jugular by gravitating toward things we despise (yes, I’m looking at you, Spongebob). Realizing this trend with my own children, I’ve resorted to fibbing about my dislikes to keep them away from the junk I refuse to buy. - Giving Zero Fucks
Let’s get real for a second: kids are completely indifferent to everything. Why do you think shows like Sesame Street keep churning out episodes about kindness and empathy? This classic sass manifests as a lack of filter, leading to hilariously blunt comments. Just last week, my son announced—loudly, in the grocery store—that the woman in front of us had farted. And it was worse than Dad’s!
While five can be a tumultuous age full of attitude and independence, it also serves as a testing ground for the fun (or chaos) that lies ahead. I hear that tweens are a real treat.
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Summary:
Parenting a five-year-old is a whirlwind of sass and humor, marked by eye rolls, corrections, and an utter disregard for authority. As your once sweet child begins to express their independence and personality, brace yourself for the delightful chaos that comes with it.