On that fateful day, I decided to use my “I may not be the youngest” powers wisely, inserting myself into the scene while blending into the background. With headphones on (playing nothing) and eyes wide open (taking in everything), I caught a glimpse of a boy who seemed to be around 12, pointing at my daughter and telling his friend—right in front of her—that he wanted to engage in the three-letter word that begins with “S.” Yes, that’s right—S-E-X.
Fortunately, my partner and I had already had numerous conversations with our daughters—our youngest was just 8 at the time—about the biological and social aspects of sex. As a family that embraces location-independent unschooling, we travel frequently, and our daughters often interact with children of varying ages. This dynamic makes it essential for us to approach sensitive subjects from a progressive standpoint rather than adhering to conventional age guidelines.
Even so, when I heard that boy’s crude remark, I nearly flipped out! I genuinely considered channeling my inner Jamaican Bruce Lee and delivering a perfectly executed dropkick to him. But thankfully, I didn’t—because, you know, jail time is a thing. Instead, I began to view this moment as a chance to observe rather than intervene. It became a real-life scenario that would aid my partner and me in fostering confidence and open expression in our daughters regarding their bodies and thoughts.
I completely understand how awkward it can be to discuss topics like breasts and baby-making with someone who not too long ago was proud of mastering potty training. They grow up so quickly, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by how soon we needed to tackle difficult subjects like menstruation and social media influencers’ curves. When my daughters see women flaunting their sexuality online, coupled with boys on the playground discussing sex during freeze tag (seriously, dude!), I know I need to step up, take a deep breath, and get brave.
For me, getting brave involves asking my daughters questions to understand their exposure and perceptions, while offering insights without being overly judgmental or fear-driven in my guidance. For instance, my 9-year-old has developed full breasts but is adamant about not wearing bras. She questioned whether women need them for medical reasons. My initial instinct was to convince her to wear one, but I recognized that I was letting fear dictate my response—fear that her new curves might attract unwanted attention or that she’d face issues later on due to my lack of guidance.
Once I acknowledged my fear, I shifted my perspective and found courage. That bravery materialized in several ways:
- I researched the medical necessity (or lack thereof) for bras.
- I explored blogs and books about body positivity and confidence.
- I opened up about my own misconceptions regarding bras and breasts.
To my surprise, there’s no medical requirement for girls or women to wear bras when they develop breasts! Those old wives’ tales about sagging breasts from not wearing bras are just that—tales—without any scientific backing and likely rooted in our society’s obsession with the male gaze. So, instead of forcing the issue, I collaborated with her to find a solution we could both be comfortable with.
I shared my research findings with her, and we spent hours browsing articles about body image and the purpose of bras. We discussed situations where wearing one might be practical, like professional settings or workouts. Now, she’s open to wearing bras when we go out, and she understands that it’s about personal choice. She has the right to make decisions about her own body, and I’m perfectly fine with that.
I applied this collaborative approach with my then 10-year-old when it came to the playground incident. I knew she overheard the boy’s comment but chose to ignore it. When I asked her how she felt about it later, she confidently stated she didn’t care about his words; what mattered was her own perspective. Since he wasn’t addressing her, she dismissed his “stupid comment on something that would never happen.”
This led to perfect opportunities for deeper conversations about sex, boys, and the various opinions people express in public spaces. We ended up having several engaging discussions, and she remained open, curious, and willing to share—all of which nurtured a healthy curiosity about how to express her feelings regarding others’ opinions about her or her body.
And you know what? I’m good with that.
This article was originally published on Aug. 4, 2015.
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Summary:
In navigating the complexities of discussing sensitive topics with my daughters, I learned to shift from fear to bravery. By engaging in open conversations about body image, sexuality, and personal choice, I fostered an environment where my daughters feel empowered to express themselves and make decisions about their bodies. This collaborative approach not only enhances our communication but also builds their confidence in handling societal pressures.