The end of my first pregnancy felt like a marathon I was desperate to finish. I was uncomfortable, exhausted, and eager to finally meet the tiny human who had been kicking and tumbling inside me for what seemed like an eternity. Whenever someone asked how much longer I had to go, I would happily round up the weeks. “Seventeen weeks? Oh, that’s practically halfway!” Or if it was just six weeks away, I’d declare it “just over a month,” depending on my eagerness. I couldn’t wait to cross that finish line and claim my reward.
Fast forward to my second pregnancy, and I find myself in a completely different mindset. With only weeks left before I welcome my second child, I’m cherishing every moment, wishing time would slow down. It’s not that I feel more comfortable or less anxious; it’s the uncertainty of whether this will be the last time I carry a baby inside me that keeps me holding on.
It’s a strange sensation, this uncertainty. If you had told me years ago that I might be done having kids by 28, I would have laughed. I envisioned a larger family, with three or four children spaced out perfectly. “Two and done” was never part of my plan.
But then life threw me a curveball: a heart-wrenching miscarriage during my first pregnancy, struggles with breastfeeding, and a troubling uterine bleed during this pregnancy that made me doubt the future. I remember lying on the examination table months ago, waiting for the ultrasound results, convinced this was it. I couldn’t endure another loss. I held my round belly, feeling certain it would be my last.
Now that the anxiety has subsided, I find myself flirting with the idea of a third baby. “I’d need years to recover from this pregnancy,” I tell my partner, “but perhaps with enough time to forget the tough parts, I could manage.”
And then there are the other uncertainties that start to swirl around in my mind like a chaotic storm. With two children, we can manage our time fairly well—one parent takes one child to swim class while the other heads to karate. Our home and cars accommodate our current family size comfortably. But with three? Would we still have enough?
Finances are already tight with one child, let alone adding a third. Would it be selfish to bring another child into our lives if it meant giving each one less? Or would the joy of a new addition outweigh the sacrifices—like skipping family vacations we can’t afford or cutting back on groceries?
My husband grew up with little but has fond memories with his two brothers, while I had a more stable upbringing with just one sister. Yet I always yearned for more siblings and the lively chaos that came with them. What do my children want? What do we want?
I cradle my belly and ponder these questions. It might seem premature to think about a third child while I’m still pregnant with my second, but I worry about squandering the last moments of this journey worrying about aches and pains instead of cherishing them. What if this is the final time I experience this?
I believe in a higher plan, and I understand that it often differs from my own desires. Perhaps there’s a reason for my anxiety, a lesson in the unknown. Many mothers say, “You just know” when your family is complete, and I trust that realization will come, whether when my second son arrives or later down the road. But right now, it feels like a series of unanswered questions.
So for now, I will appreciate my growing belly and count every kick with wonder, just in case this is my last chance. Embracing this beautiful, tangible moment is far more fulfilling than fretting about what lies ahead. Maybe the answers will reveal themselves in time.
For more insights about family planning and home insemination, check out this post on intracervical insemination. If you’re curious about fertility journeys, Make a Mom offers valuable resources. And for general pregnancy information, Healthline is an excellent reference.
Summary:
The author reflects on the different feelings that accompany her second pregnancy compared to her first, grappling with the uncertainty of whether this will be her last. As she balances excitement and anxiety about future children, she seeks to cherish every moment of this experience, trusting that the right answers will come in time.