Is your kitchen turning into a wildlife exhibit? Take a look around. Do you spot a gravy boat shaped like a turkey? Is there a cheese knife with a mouse design? And that cutting board—could it really be shaped like a pig?
You might not have intended to create an animal-themed kitchen, but the influence of nature and clever marketing can be hard to resist. In the suburban jungle, the average human—let’s call them Pottery Barnus—struggles to serve fish on anything but a platter that looks like, well, a fish. Talk about evolution in action!
Each month, catalogs from Crate & Barrel and others flood your mailbox or inbox—featuring whimsical items like whale-shaped spoon rests. Did you ask for these catalogs? Probably not. But they’re just part of life in a suburban paradise with amenities like pools and tennis courts.
Let’s dive into the fascinating inhabitants of this habitat!
Williams-Sonoma Cast-Iron Bacon Press
Baconus brunchus
Did you know? This charming bacon press thrives in the developing neighborhoods of Middle America.
There’s a delightful irony in kitchen gadgets that mimic the animals we consume. Accept every brunch invitation, and you might encounter the ultimate ironic kitchen pig—a hog-shaped bacon press from Williams-Sonoma. Because, let’s face it, nothing less than a pig-shaped tool will do for your brunch spread. You’ll find this adorable creature only in communities with schools rated 8 or higher on GreatSchools.org.
Paula Deen’s Signature Serverware Southern Rooster Egg Tray
Rooster ridiculo
Did you know? Modern egg trays have evolved to the point where they no longer fit in cabinets.
Everyone in suburban America knows Paula Deen is all about butter and potential controversy. But what to serve with her products? Only the most tedious finger foods, of course! This deviled egg tray is a must-have for those who are both bored and have more disposable income than sense. The proud rooster watches as you indulge in the very eggs his hen would never produce. Is that a sprinkle of paprika? Don’t mind if I do, Rooster! You won’t find this cumbersome serveware in the compact digs of a city dweller.
Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer
Bos taurus pointless
Did you know? Milk already comes in easy-pour containers, making this the most unnecessary kitchen item.
In nature, milk comes from a cow’s udder. But that’s not suitable for suburban tables. Enter the Crate & Barrel Cow Creamer. This whimsical Bessie is ready to splash cream into your coffee, bypassing the need for any real dairy containers. Larger variations of this breed exist too.
Bed Bath & Beyond Cow BBQ Mat
Bos taurus outdoorus
Did you know? Having an outdoor kitchen shouts, “I could burn cash grilling steaks, but I hired someone to build this instead.”
Only on a neatly manicured .34 acres can you bring the indoors outside. Just like your cozy indoor kitchen, outdoor spaces come with their own quirky accessories. The Cow BBQ Mat proudly cushions the feet of the “BBQ Boss,” ensuring that grilling remains a comfortable affair. This mat features a full steer, a charming image that only vaguely reflects the reality of the meat-packing industry. If you’re not standing on this mat while grilling those pricey steaks, are you really living in a community with streets ending in “Trace” or “Crescent”?
West Elm Fish Tail Metal Bell
Tuna tinkle
Did you know? Even at half price, this is a ridiculous purchase.
This aquatic oddity prefers the company of granite countertops and apron sinks. While most see its stubby tail as mere decoration, suburban evolution has transformed it into a dinner bell. Tinkle away to announce dinner, even if it’s a less-than-pleasing salmon frittata. That bottle of pinot grigio you polished off will help you ignore any culinary shortcomings.
Anthropologie Tiered Crane Sculpture
Supra expensica
Did you know? This beauty retails for a whopping $328!
Nothing screams “upper-crust suburbia” quite like a tiered crane sculpture that seems poised to drop a ceramic bomb on your French macarons. Only a majestic crane can make something as silly look both ridiculous and pricey. If your host serves you anything less than bespoke chocolates on this sculpture, you have every right to feel offended. Bonus points for buying from Anthropologie, adding a touch of Brooklyn hipster chic to your perfectly mowed lawn.
Target Threshold Cookie Jar Squirrel
Rodent chocolate chipus
Did you know? Squirrels are often the unfortunate victims of roadkill in suburban neighborhoods.
Not every kitchen creature comes from a fancy catalog. Target accounts for around 90% of the quirky items gracing kitchen counters, presenting a whole ecosystem of adorableness. From fox salt shakers to this nutty cookie jar, Target is like the urban jungle of suburban kitchens. Just as your backyard needs some wildlife for your designer Labradoodle to bark at, your kitchen requires inexpensive jars and bowls to elevate your designer Labradoodle Serving Platter—especially since you’ve already splurged on that ridiculous crane.
In conclusion, the suburban kitchen is a wonderland of whimsical and often unnecessary items, shaped by marketing and a desire to showcase personality. So, whether you’re looking to fill your home with quirky decor or simply browsing for fun kitchen gadgets, remember—it’s all part of the suburban experience! If you’re interested in more information on home insemination, be sure to check out this article. For those seeking to enhance their journey into parenthood, consider exploring fertility solutions at Make a Mom and an excellent support resource for pregnancy at Drugs.com.