Sitting in the carpool lane, I find myself lost in thought about many things—what to serve for dinner, the state of my yoga pants, and why our lawn looks like a jungle. But, sometimes, my mind wanders to the more serious stuff, like what would happen if I were to unexpectedly leave this world, leaving my husband to manage our three spirited children alone.
I’m confident that Jason would handle things just fine—after all, our kids would probably turn into the most ferocious football players around. Still, I can’t help but worry about the little details. Who will guide them through the perils of applying lip balm? Who will teach them how to make yoga pants last for a week without washing? And let’s not even start on the house chores! Who will remember to change the air fresheners or which weeds can be ignored (Hint: All of them)? It’s a sobering thought as I watch them pile into our minivan, completely unaware of the role I play in their lives.
I fear Jason doesn’t fully grasp what I do every day. Crickets don’t vanish on their own, and dinner doesn’t prepare itself. So, to help him (and perhaps other clueless partners out there), I’ve put together a list of ten requests for him if I should meet my maker unexpectedly. This may not be legally binding, but I trust that my wishes will be honored—especially by my mother-in-law, who gets what it’s like living with Jason.
Dear Jason,
- Meal Management: You must make a concerted effort to get our kids to eat three meals daily. Use any tactics necessary—bribery, threats, whatever works. It’s trickier than it sounds; our kids can be sneaky. Just the other day, I found an entire bratwurst stuffed into Lily’s boot! Remember, mustard packets and diet soda don’t count as meals.
- Dental Hygiene: Tooth brushing is non-negotiable—twice a day and with toothpaste! Check those toothbrushes and sniff their breath; I refuse to let my kids start college with dentures.
- Bathing Ritual: They should bathe at least every other day, and soap is a must. If all else fails, take them to the pool and scrub them down with a bar of soap.
- Hair Care: Hair must be brushed regularly. I remember a time when my grandparents couldn’t see well, and my mom had to cut a rat’s nest out of my hair. Let’s just say the rats were thankful for a cleaner home afterward.
- Bathroom Breaks: If someone announces they need to use the bathroom, believe them. Always.
- Toilet Paper: When you replace the toilet paper roll, squeeze the ends together and pull the spindle toward you. It’s simple but crucial.
- Screen Time: Limit TV watching. I’d prefer educational shows, but I know your views on children’s programs. Just avoid those ghost shows you love unless you want them sleeping on your floor for decades.
- Nap Time: Naps come first—over meetings, doctor appointments, even natural disasters. Do your best to get them to “rest their eyes,” even if a tornado is tearing the roof off. Remember, sleep deprivation is no joke!
- Bill Payments: Please pay the bills on time. I learned how you feel about utilities during our home buying process—your exact words were “the man just wants to stick it to us.” Just keep up with payments to avoid ruining my nearly perfect credit.
- My Final Wishes: I’ve talked about my funeral preferences before. I sincerely hope you were joking when you said you’d just toss my body into the river. I want a beautiful slideshow, complete with music, and my initials on napkins. And if possible, a celebrity guest appearance would be fantastic—maybe Jon Hamm could say a few words.
Lastly, I expect you’ll eventually venture out and maybe even meet another woman. Just remember, I’ll be watching. At all times. So, don’t let that stop you from moving on with your life.
Love,
Samantha
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Summary:
In a humorous and heartfelt letter, Samantha outlines ten essential requests for her husband, Jason, in the event of her unexpected passing. From managing the kids’ meals and hygiene to ensuring timely bill payments and honoring her final wishes, she covers all bases, showcasing her love and concern for her family’s well-being even after she’s gone.