When I hear myself echoing the very phrases my mother used to repeat, I can’t help but chuckle. You know the classics: “Chew with your mouth closed,” “Keep your elbows off the table,” and of course, “Clean your room.” All those reminders that I once found so irritating now roll off my tongue with surprising ease.
As a kid, I viewed those admonitions as personal attacks. It stung whenever my language was critiqued or my table manners were called into question. However, looking back, I realize they contributed to my decent grasp of English and my dining etiquette—thanks to those countless hours I spent reading books instead of complaining about boredom.
As parents, we take on the role of the ultimate life coaches, guiding our kids through the maze of societal expectations. I always thought my mom was a tad overzealous, but having my own kids has shifted my perspective.
Being the eldest of eight, I see now that while my mother meticulously instilled cleanliness in me, my younger siblings received a more relaxed approach. My youngest brother, in particular, seems to operate under a different set of rules. While I was corrected on my cutlery usage at every meal, when my little guy recently licked his plate, I found it adorable rather than appalling!
As a result of my mother’s strict standards, my first two kids maintain relatively tidy rooms. They know the drill—dirty clothes in the hamper, beds made, you get the picture. One would think this example would inspire the younger two to follow suit. Spoiler alert: it did not.
My 18-year-old daughter and 12-year-old son, while wonderful individuals with great personalities, have taken a different route. My son, despite a few typical teenage mishaps, is a sweet kid who just got promoted to seventh grade. As for my daughter, she’s a whirlwind of activity. Balancing three jobs with a full schedule of honors and AP classes, she is anything but lazy. Yet, her room resembles a disaster zone.
Clothes are strewn across the floor as if she’s trying to air them out, while other items are shoved into corners. It’s a mystery if she’s running some sort of clothing composting operation, but I digress.
After countless attempts to get them to tidy up—“Make your bed,” “Take out the trash,” “Put your laundry away”—my pleas seem to fall on deaf ears. To them, cleanliness is just not a priority.
I have grappled with how much I should stress cleanliness myself. In the grand scheme of parenting, is a tidy desk really that important? I’ve learned to prioritize my kids’ passions over chores. If my son wants to practice saxophone instead of making his bed, so be it. However, I do draw the line at table manners—particularly when it comes to chewing with an open mouth.
Then came the bittersweet moment on Sunday night after dropping my daughter off at college. In the days leading up to her departure, her room was a chaotic mix of clothes and bags. The night before we left, I noticed her floor was mostly clear, but the desk and nightstand were still cluttered. I couldn’t resist the urge to remind her, “Please try to leave your room clean.”
We hit the road, and after a four-hour drive in the rain, we arrived at her new college. A quick trip to Target for last-minute essentials and a visit to the bookstore rounded out the day. Finally, we made her bed and admired how cute her new space looked together with those items we picked up. Saying goodbye was tough; I felt a deep sadness knowing that the vibrant energy that filled her room was now 263 miles away.
Upon returning home, I took a detour to check on her room, and what I found was astonishing. It was immaculately clean—a sight I had longed for but never quite achieved during her teenage years. The bed was made, the desk organized, and the closet tidy. It looked like something out of a magazine. Yet, it sat empty, devoid of the life she once brought to it.
While I’m thrilled to have a clean room, I can’t help but feel the cost of gaining it was too high. Good luck to her future roommates; they’re in for an interesting ride.
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In summary, parenting often feels like a balancing act between guidance and letting go. While I longed for a tidy room, it’s the laughter and chaos of family life that I truly miss.