I often try to steer clear of Whole Foods, but somehow I end up wandering in, much like someone might find themselves exploring an overpriced boutique. Here are the 14 conversations I have with myself when I find myself amidst the organic aisles.
- Wow, the selection of international foods here is incredible! From frozen pad see ew to fancy Caribbean snacks, it’s like a passport to culinary exploration.
- Is this a grocery store or an IKEA? It’s overwhelming! I’m tossing random items into my cart—do I really need another decorative step stool? And what exactly is Borsari? $5.99 for a jar of something I can’t even pronounce?
- Perky Jerky? I’ve never tried it, but now it seems absolutely essential!
- There are so many bacon options! I’m paralyzed by choice. Oh look, here comes my Bearded Guide-Hipster to save the day.
- Did they hire a set designer for this place? Everything looks so perfect. The bananas are hanging on individual hooks—did they unionize to demand better working conditions? And that fish looks like it went through a casting call.
- You know what would make a great dinner for a family of four? A carton of yucca fries and a hand-churned cheese Danish. What could go wrong?
- These artisanal Caribbean snacks are calling my name. There goes my budget—$40, just like that!
- How are these tomatoes so stunning when they’re out of season? What kind of shady deal did they strike with Australia for these beauties?
- What even is Borsari? The label says to use it like pepper. Well, that clears things up… not.
- The real issue with me devouring six packs of chocolate pudding isn’t whether it’s organic or not.
- Did they hire every artist in Vermont to illustrate these farm scenes? Every package has a pastoral scene or a baby or a rainbow—what’s next, unicorns?
- Low-fat Veganaise must be what glue tastes like, given how far it is from real mayonnaise.
- I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t need 30 different types of salt to whip up dinner.
- I’ve just dropped $120 here and now I need to make a pit stop at Trader Joe’s. Wish me luck!
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In summary, shopping at Whole Foods can be an overwhelming yet oddly enlightening experience, filled with bizarre internal monologues and unexpected purchases.