One of my closest pals, Sarah, is gearing up for her first baby. This is a woman who has always marched to the beat of her own drum. She’s traveled to a mind-boggling number of countries, snagged a graduate degree abroad, and now works at one of the top universities in the U.S. Not to mention, she’s one of the funniest and smartest people I know—my kids might even pick her over me sometimes! That’s the kind of bond we share.
She’s due in January, and I find myself bursting with advice and support. There’s so much I want her to understand—so much that’s “okay.” But when it comes to what to “expect,” how could I possibly know? Expect chaos. Expect bizarre moments. Expect beauty and expect struggles. But the specifics? That’s her journey to navigate.
Recently, while texting, Sarah opened up about the whirlwind of emotions she’s feeling—excited, scared, overwhelmed, and in love. As I crafted my response, I felt a wave of sadness and anger wash over me. I wrote: “Even after you cradle your little one for the first time, those feelings will hit you in waves. You might yearn for your old life, but not really. The transition is tough, and sadly, it often goes unrecognized. So, talk to me—share the darker thoughts swirling around in your head.”
The sadness stemmed from the fear that she might feel isolated in her feelings, and the anger was rooted in the same fear. It’s frustrating how we tiptoe around the reality of new motherhood, focusing solely on the adorable baby instead of the mother who’s been completely transformed.
Let’s face it—we often engage in small talk about strollers or cute outfits, avoiding the gritty reality of postpartum life. Sure, the baby looks great, but let’s not ignore the woman sitting across from you, who’s grappling with a new identity, fatigue etched into her eyes. She needs us to see her, to acknowledge the fear and love and pain she’s experiencing.
If she’s having these dark thoughts, she needs to hear that she’s not alone—that we’ve been there too, and it’s all part of the “motherhood club.” So, let’s talk, friend—let’s dive into those shadowy corners of our minds.
I’ve walked this path. I’ve experienced regret, fleeting thoughts of escape, and even moments of feeling lost in motherhood. There were times when I felt utterly paralyzed, watching my friends move forward with their lives while I was caught in the cycle of diaper changes and sleepless nights. My own identity felt shattered, and I struggled to communicate my feelings.
And here’s the kicker: I thought I was the only one. Everywhere I looked, it seemed like everyone else was blissfully happy in yoga pants and ponytails. But I’ve since realized there were countless other women feeling just as I did, yet no one spoke up. Friends would come over, and we’d chat about baby clothes and parenting plans, but we never touched on the darker stuff.
I’m done with the silence. Let’s open up the conversation about the hard moments—the times when we felt like we might not make it through. Talk to the woman, the human, my friend. Let’s share these burdens.
With a shaky voice and a tentative smile, I would have welcomed the chance to share my struggles with you. Maybe then, I would have known that light is just around the corner. And trust me, it is.
For more on navigating these feelings, check out this great resource on pregnancy and home insemination from the Cleveland Clinic. And if you’re interested in learning more about at-home insemination techniques, visit Cryobaby for their top-notch kits.