Dear Spanx,
We had a deal, and frankly, you’re not living up to your end of the bargain. You were supposed to be my trusty ally in tightening, shaping, and smoothing things out. Sure, I’ve added a few extra pounds, but come on, you’re designed with built-in stretch! A couple of extra pieces of chocolate and pizza shouldn’t throw you off your game. I figured we were prepared for a little indulgence, right? Your entire purpose is to help those of us who struggle with exercise feel just a tad more put together. I bought you in my size at that time, but now I find myself on the other side of that size spectrum. Just a smidge over isn’t the end of the world. A mere 10 pounds (okay, fine, the infamous freshman 15) shouldn’t be a deal breaker, but here we are.
1. The Communion Dress Incident
Remember the time I squeezed into you for my daughter’s communion? Think back! I wore that stunning dress, but thanks to a few—okay, let’s be real, a lot—of vacation snacks (I’m looking at you, Sanibel), I needed some extra support. I opted for the all-in-one dress option from Assets, your less expensive cousin because, let’s face it, $80 for an undergarment no one sees is just too much for me. Well, I just saw the photos, and let’s just say you failed at your job. I looked like I was five months pregnant.
2. The Church Stunt
And don’t think I forgot your little stunt at church! You rolled up like a window shade while I was sitting in the pew! There I was, trying to worship while your Lycra decided to give up on life and roll up my legs, settling right around my behind. I was left awkwardly trying to adjust you under my dress in church. I’m pretty sure everyone thought I was doing something scandalous during the Alleluia. Thanks for that!
3. The Fundraiser Night
Then there was that unforgettable night at my kid’s fundraiser when I wore that chic black jumpsuit. I know, risky move, but I felt fabulous until I found myself trapped in the shapewear while trying to use the restroom. Picture this: me, in the stall, battling the all-in-one jumpsuit. After finally getting the shrug off and pulling down the top of my sleek outfit, I was still stuck with the bottom shapewear that refused to budge. It was pulled up to my chest and getting it down required a strength I didn’t know I had. And let’s not forget the lady next door who was having her own bathroom emergency. Just great!
4. The Closet Struggle
I can’t leave out that time I wrestled with my shapewear tank top after a long and exhausting day. I was in my closet, trying to peel off a top that had decided to cling to my curves like a bad date. At one point, I seriously considered scissors. Eventually, I got it off, but not without feeling the real panic of claustrophobia.
5. The Final Straw
The final straw came the other night when I had to ask my husband to help me out of my Spanx ¾ sleeve top because I was genuinely trapped and starting to freak out. That totally ruined the sexy vibe I’d been cultivating for the last 14 years. Thanks for that, Spanx!
So, thanks a lot, Spanx/Assets/Yummy Tummie, or whatever you choose to call yourself. You’ve brought me embarrassment, panic, and bathroom struggles that I won’t forget anytime soon. If I could just drop 20 pounds, I’d kick your clingy self to the curb.
P.S. I realize I could solve this by going up a size, but I’m not sinking any more cash into you. After all, I plan to be back to my previous size soon enough!
Thanks for being so unhelpful!
Love,
Me
Summary
In a humorous and relatable rant, Samantha Rizzo expresses her frustration with Spanx for failing to uphold their promise of support and smoothing. She reminisces about embarrassing moments involving her shapewear, from looking pregnant in family photos to wrestling with it in public restrooms. Ultimately, she reflects on her desire to lose a few pounds to kick the clingy garments to the curb, all while maintaining a light-hearted tone.