“Mommy,” my 4-year-old, Lily, chirps, “you’re my best friend!”
“That’s adorable,” I reply with a smile.
“And…?” she prompts, clearly looking for a different reaction.
“And I love you,” I respond, hoping to satisfy her. She stands there, still waiting for me to say something else, giving me those wide-eyed Oliver Twist vibes. “And?” she asks again. “You didn’t say I’m your best friend back.”
“Well, that’s because you’re not my best friend,” I think to myself. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I also don’t want to stretch the truth. So, I try to redirect her attention to something shiny. The reality is, kids are the worst candidates for best friends.
I can’t help but feel a twinge of sympathy for moms who call their toddlers or teens their best friends. Clearly, they’ve never truly experienced real friendship. When was the last time your best friend flung food around your car and then yelled at you for asking them to pick it up? Plus, just moments before declaring you their best friend, they’ve likely said the same thing to Peppa Pig, an invisible unicorn, or a rogue Lego piece.
I, on the other hand, have a real-life best friend, Rachel, who I’ve known since high school. In all that time, she’s never pointed out that I have a big tummy or commented on my breath smelling funky. And she definitely doesn’t leave her messes for me to clean up. So, here’s why my child is definitely not my best friend.
1. Kids Don’t Pick Up the Tab
When was the last time your 5-year-old said, “Let me get this one!”? Never, right? Real best friends chip in.
2. Best Friends Don’t Steal Your Sleep
Imagine your best friend calling you at 3 a.m. because they had a nightmare, asking for water, and then needing you to rub their back. Oh, and don’t forget the 4 a.m. call to discuss how they’re done sleeping, but you should be too!
3. Trash Handovers Are a No-Go
My best friend has never handed me her empty snack wrappers. But my child? She’s a pro at handing me her trash, like a mashed-up piece of Pirate’s Booty from the car floor.
4. Birthday Gifts Come with Strings Attached
Can you envision your best friend saying, “I want to buy you a present, but you’ll have to drive me and pay for it”? Nope, that’s not how it works in real friendship!
5. Driving Around Is All on You
Wouldn’t it be nice to just kick back in the car while your best friend drives you to your destination? Yeah, that’s not happening with kids.
6. Best Friends Let You Choose the Activities
I’ve known Rachel for two decades, and she’s never said, “Unless we go to the park, I’m not going.” Kids, however, have a lot of demands!
7. No Shoe Hiding
My best friend doesn’t expect me to find her shoes or lunchbox. Kids, on the other hand, often shrug and say, “I dunno” when I ask where their stuff is.
8. Timeliness Matters
No matter how early I wake up or how ready I am, my little ones always manage to make us late with their “Just one more minute!”
9. Repetitive Stories Are a Drag
You don’t go out with your best friend and hear the same story 1,234 times in one night. Kids, however, can talk endlessly about the same thing!
10. There’s No Cheating in Friendship
A true best friend is committed. They don’t jump from one “best friend” to another every hour. But kids? They seem to switch their loyalties all the time!
While the bond between parent and child is irreplaceable, wouldn’t it be great if kids could stop handing us their trash and waking us up at 3 a.m.?
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In summary, while the connection between a parent and child is unique and precious, it’s clear that children bring a whole different set of challenges that don’t align with the qualities of real best friends.