You know what can be challenging? Marriage. After eleven years in my first (and hopefully only) legal partnership, I’m beginning to grasp its complexities. Some days it feels like a recipe for disaster, while others I feel like the luckiest person alive. It’s everything people say it is: it requires effort, trust, endurance, and, at times, a fierce commitment. My incredibly patient partner, Mark, often reminds me, “This is optional, you know?” (Translation: “Get it together, or I’m out.”)
Whether you’re married, recently separated, or contemplating tying the knot, it’s essential to seek advice from those you trust. Although I’m by no means a marital expert, I’d like to share five “guidelines” that my partner and I have developed over the years, which have helped us navigate the ups and downs of our relationship.
1. The IKEA Revelation: Leverage Your Strengths
Early in our dating days, Mark and I took the IKEA bus from New York City to New Jersey. For Mark, this was not exactly a thrilling adventure. After an hour of navigating the labyrinth of domestic displays, we both started to get irritable. (What’s the Swedish equivalent of “Get me out of here!”?) While trying to accomplish two important tasks—getting a lamp back into its box and finding a specific tiny item—I became increasingly frustrated. I was wrestling with cords, swearing under my breath, while Mark stood there, paralyzed by shyness and failing to ask for help. “Why aren’t you asking someone?” I cried. “What’s your deal with that lamp?” At that moment, we had our IKEA revelation: I handed him the box, and he effortlessly packed the lamp away. I then approached an employee and got the info we required. Voila! New roles were established: I became the spokesperson, and Mark took on physical responsibilities. Crisis averted, and a long-term relationship strategy formed.
2. The Toilet Paper Rule: Pay Attention and Don’t Keep Score
If your spouse seems to think that toilet paper and other household essentials magically appear at home, then you may identify as the “toilet-paperer,” while your partner is the “toilet-paperee.” In every marriage, one person usually keeps a closer eye on daily life details. If you’re that person, resist the urge to keep score or hide supplies to make a point. Do you really want to explain to the kids that their parents split up over toilet paper? Just buy what’s needed, know you’re contributing to your family, and let it go. And if you’re the toilet-paperee, consider yourself lucky, show gratitude regularly, and for the love of Charmin, try to notice the little things more often.
3. Dealbreaker or Not?: Choose Your Battles Wisely
The worst argument Mark and I ever had was about the game show “Deal or No Deal.” Picture this: 2 a.m., us shouting at each other, tossing around the “D” word (nope, not donuts—divorce), and hurling insults. It was a disaster that erupted over our differing perspectives on the psychology behind contestant choices. But we weren’t really fighting about the show; we were avoiding deeper issues we were too upset to confront. Now, we can laugh at how ridiculous it all was, but we could have saved ourselves a lot of trouble by addressing the real issues instead of getting sidetracked.
4. The 90/10 Approach: Focus More on the Good
Chances are, there’s more good in your relationship than bad. However, we often spend 90% of our energy focusing on the 10% that isn’t perfect. Flipping that dynamic can change everything. This simple perspective shift can transform how you view your partnership.
5. The Go to Bed Mad Rule: Embrace Your Anger
Trust me, it’s healthier than being exhausted and frustrated, saying things in the dark that you’ll regret later. Better to toss and turn on the couch than to force a resolution just to get some sleep. It’s okay to be mad! Sometimes, it can even be beneficial for your marriage. What’s truly harmful is forcing a false resolution to adhere to outdated notions of civility. Anger signifies investment; it’s crucial to understand what you’re actually upset about.
So, if you’re fortunate enough to consider embarking on a shared journey, perhaps these lessons from our experiences will help. Marriage isn’t about right or wrong; it’s about finding common ground. (And for the record, emotions absolutely influence outcomes—just ask any contestant on “Deal or No Deal.”)
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In summary, marriage can be challenging, but by focusing on your strengths, paying attention to each other’s needs, choosing your battles wisely, and embracing the good while allowing room for emotions, you can create a stronger bond.