When you first discover you’re expecting, it doesn’t take long to realize that the first trimester can be a bit of a snooze-fest. After the thrill of the positive test, sharing the news with loved ones, and diving into baby literature, there’s not much to do while you wait for those ultrasounds and the glorious kicking to commence. So, what’s the next step? Download a pregnancy tracker app, of course! (Because comparing your growing baby to various fruits is essential, right?) These apps are handy for daily reminders that you’re still pregnant, but let’s be real—they don’t always tell the whole story. If they were completely truthful, here’s what they might say:
Week 4
Congratulations! If you’re already aware of your pregnancy, get ready for a long journey ahead. Buckle up, mama; those 10 months can feel like an eternity when you’re the one growing a tiny human! (Yep, you read that right—10 months, not 9.) Cheers! Oh wait, make yours a seltzer.
Week 6
That so-called “pregnancy glow”? It’s as rare as a solar eclipse. More likely, you’re just sporting an oil slick on your face reminiscent of your teenage years. But hey, if you’re lucky, your new bust size might distract from the acne. Time to celebrate small victories.
Week 9
By now, you’ve probably realized that the $50 you spent on Preggie Pops and anti-nausea goodies could have been better spent on a massive carb feast that does a much better job. So go ahead—binge on those carbs while you lounge in your sweatpants watching reruns of Fresh Prince. You don’t need to look cute—you’re too nauseous for that anyway. #dontjudge
Week 13
If you’re trying to keep your pregnancy a secret from your boss, it’s best to keep your office door closed while you’re hurling lunch and then dozing under your desk. Just a heads up—Maggie from HR is looking a little too curious today.
Week 16
Go ahead and let that belly hang out now that everyone knows you’re expecting and not just a little extra fluffy. And why not indulge in that third Gordita Supreme? It might just help you fit into real maternity clothes a bit sooner instead of resorting to wearing your curtains.
Week 19
That cheeseburger topped with Nutella and olives? Quite the unique craving! Better stock up on Tums. And if you’re one of those rare women craving veggies? Keep that to yourself, okay?
Week 21
You’ve hit the halfway mark! Brace yourself; the real fun is just beginning. But let’s not forget—pregnancy is still a full 10 months. Not nine. Ten. Don’t forget it, especially with your brain turning to mush.
Week 24
Reminder: fake wine is a poor substitute for the real stuff. Just saying.
Week 29
Remember when every kick felt like a magical moment? Yeah, those days are long gone.
Week 33
Your baby is now around 4 pounds, and you’ve gained 4 pounds plus an extra 30. The math might be fuzzy, but hey—at least we’re in this together.
Week 37
After rushing to finish the nursery and packing your hospital bag, you’re now painfully aware that you could still be pregnant for another month. Sorry, but we’ve got no advice for this one.
Week 39
Even if it feels like your little one is trying to kick their way out, rest assured it’s not quite that simple.
Week 41
Go ahead and give a call to everyone in your pregnancy pool who bet on an early arrival—invite them to take a hike. It might give you a moment of joy, but after the high fades, Ben and Jerry will be waiting to comfort you.
Now that you’ve finally welcomed your little bundle of joy, you might be tempted to say goodbye to that pregnancy tracker that has been teasing you for 10 months. But wait—you’ll need a baby tracker app now! (Because comparing your new arrival to other kids is crucial.) You can thank us later when you’re finally sleeping soundly (ha!) instead of frantically searching “How much baby poop is normal?” in the middle of the night. You’re welcome in advance! For more insights, check out this post on home insemination here. If you’re looking for reliable products, Cryobaby offers excellent home insemination kits. Plus, for additional information, visit this CDC resource about pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, while pregnancy can feel tedious at times, embracing the humor and reality of the experience can help make it more enjoyable.