Let me start by saying this has nothing to do with stretch marks, but everything to do with a quirky photo my cousin Lizzy sent me. It was a shot taken from her bathroom, aimed at the floor, where her toddler’s chubby fingers jutted beneath the door. She captioned it: “Welcome to your future.” As much as I think I can handle the mess and the meltdowns, here are the ten things that genuinely freak me out about becoming a parent:
1. What if I misplace one of them?
I can barely recall where I parked my car; I often buy new leggings because the old ones mysteriously disappear. This makes me question whether I can be trusted with the well-being of a small, fragile human being. They may cry, but my phone makes noise too, and I haven’t seen it in hours.
2. What if they spill all my secrets?
Kids are basically little spies, and even the Bible hints at this fact. The wisdom that comes from “the mouths of babes” is likely just a regurgitation of some offhand comment I made when I thought no one was listening. Once you have kids, every accidental groan or whispered curse is stored away and shared with the world at the most embarrassing moments.
3. What if they turn out to be sociopaths?
A few episodes of a crime show will convince you that mothers are often blamed for their kids’ future misdeeds. Every decision I make—be it about feeding, diapering, or sleep schedules—could lead to my child developing some bizarre fixation.
4. What if I can’t find ways to feed them?
I’m pretty set in my ways when it comes to food, but I’ve heard kids have their own opinions. If I end up with a little one who isn’t excited about my usual tilapia dinners or thinks boiling water is high cuisine, we might find ourselves in a world of hurt.
5. What if I can’t afford them?
As a kid, I longed for a teddy bear that could be drawn on with a pen. Fast forward to today, and every child seems to have the latest gadgets. I can barely afford a new phone charger—how will I keep up with the parents who turn Easter into an extravagant event?
6. What if I never sleep again?
My nighttime routine already takes two hours. I limit screen time, plan my outfits, and aim for a solid seven hours of sleep. I can’t help but think that adding a small child to the mix will throw off my REM cycles completely.
7. What if I say something awful in public?
I often overhear parents at the store using fruit snacks as bribes to quiet their kids. One day, when my little one screams, “I HATE YOU, MOM!” I might just snap back, “WELL, I DON’T LIKE YOU EITHER!”—and then I can expect a visit from the authorities.
8. What if we all get sick together?
I’m one to dramatically exaggerate my ailments even when it’s just a cold. I can envision my melodrama being interrupted by a tiny human who can’t even open a bottle of medicine.
9. What if the parenting experts turn on me?
I’m not keen on having every decision scrutinized. I’m sure there’s some guide out there to help me avoid the wrath of those super-moms who seem to know everything about parenting.
10. What if I never have a romantic life again?
It seems like a cruel twist that having a baby means kissing intimate moments goodbye. It’s like biting into a mystery chocolate only to discover it’s filled with beet-flavored quinoa. But who knows? Maybe the flavor will grow on me, and perhaps it’ll all be worth it in the end.
In conclusion, contemplating parenthood stirs up a whirlwind of fears and what-ifs. But like any adventure, it comes with its uncertainties and joys. If you’re also navigating these thoughts, you might find some useful insights in this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.