Hey there, my beloved boys!
Let’s have a little chat about that curious little appendage that seems to capture your attention (and sometimes your hands) more than you’d like to admit. As your caring mom, I feel it’s important to share some wisdom about your penis. Now, while I don’t have firsthand experience with one, I’ve spent enough time observing you that I think I can offer some solid advice. So, here are nine crucial points you should keep in mind:
- Chill out—your penis is not going anywhere! It will remain snug in your pants (assuming you’re wearing some), so there’s no need to grip it constantly while watching TV, or dozing off with it in your hand. Rest assured, it’s going to be with you for life, so maybe practice being a bit gentler with it.
- That said, do keep a firm hold while using the toilet. Trust me, a little control goes a long way. If you let it flop around, you might end up spraying like a broken garden hose.
- Please keep things private—there’s really no need to showcase it. (This advice will take on a different but just as important meaning during your teenage years, so remember it.) No one wants to see it resting on your brother’s arm, floating in your chocolate milk, or poking through the DVD hole. And definitely not wrapped around your eating utensils!
- Sure, you might think it’s fun to stretch it and pretend it’s made of rubber, but just because it doesn’t hurt you doesn’t mean it looks good. Seriously, stop doing that.
- Sometimes you might need to let go of it to grab something else – like a sandwich or, heaven forbid, your brother’s face. If that happens, please wash your hands before you touch anything else. It’s just good manners.
- If it’s not facing the right way or gets tangled up in your underwear, don’t panic. There’s no need for a dramatic freak-out!
- Just because you can pee almost anywhere doesn’t mean you should. Let’s keep the bathroom as the main venue for that.
- If you feel the urge to stretch or twiddle or otherwise handle it, please do so in the privacy of your room. Save us all from the awkwardness, okay?
- I’ve seen it a million times, so there’s really no need to show it off after your bath or make it dance around like Elvis with a hula hoop. (This also applies to your dad, so share that little nugget of wisdom with him too.)
I hope this friendly note serves as a lighthearted guide to proper etiquette when it comes to your penis, and that you’ll embrace a little more dignity in your ding-dong dealings. You’ll be grateful for the advice someday… or at the very least, your future partner will be!
Much love,
Mommy
P.S. For more on growing up and life lessons, check out this insightful post on home insemination and learn more about the fascinating aspects of pregnancy with this excellent resource from MedlinePlus. And don’t forget to check out Make a Mom for more about home insemination kits!