Parenting Insights
Some time ago, I enjoyed a delightful dinner with friends who were refreshingly down-to-earth. The dad was a doctor, and the mom was a publisher, yet they had no desire for a Pinterest-perfect lifestyle or an oversized home. With two kids, their approach to keeping them entertained was simple: “Go outside, dig in the dirt, catch a frog, or build a fort.” Video games and lavish playrooms designed by Yale graduates? Not in their vocabulary. They thrived in a cozy home that felt just right for a family of four—no need for 20,000 square feet of space. I admired their parenting style; their kids rode bikes, ate whatever was served, and politely said “please” and “thank you.” In my eyes, they were nailing it.
During one dinner, our friend shared a story about his kindergarten son inviting a buddy over to play. When the friend arrived, he complimented their “adorable” home, asking, “Is this all there is?” Inside, he inquired about the playroom. Their son replied, “I don’t have a playroom.” The friend then asked, “Where do you play?” to which the boy said, “In my room.”
“Oh,” said the friend, “Where’s the Wii?”
“I don’t have a Wii, but we can play outside.”
And so, the playdate continued until dinner when their family began setting the outdoor table and firing up the grill. “What are you cooking?” the friend asked.
“Well son, it’s a cookout; I’m grilling burgers and corn.”
“Oh, it’s Kobe beef, right? I can only eat Kobe beef.”
“No son, it’s Costco 20% ground chuck.”
And with that, the child was officially OTL (off the list). After that dinner, I warned my children that nothing guarantees a swift entry onto the High Maintenance Child List—HMCL—like being picky or rude. With this in mind, I’ve created a questionnaire to help ensure that playdates go smoothly, making it easier for us to host other kids.
Food Preferences:
Please indicate your child’s eating habits:
- a) Vegan
- b) Gluten-free
- c) Gluten and sugar-free
- d) Dairy and gluten-free, meat okay
- e) Nut-free, dairy-free, gluten okay
- f) Will eat anything as long as it doesn’t touch on the plate
- g) Will only drink soda, even if we don’t have any, and they can’t be given soda
- h) Only eats colorless food, with no sauces, toppings, or dressings
Sleepover Protocols:
Please notify me of the following:
- a) Your child wakes up at 5 AM and expects a full breakfast and entertainment at that hour. I might need a clown suit and griddle ready!
- b) Your child needs back rubs to fall asleep. I’ll need to hone my massage skills for a three-hour session.
- c) Your child is such a healthy eater that if I offer buttered popcorn and pizza, be prepared for a 4 AM projectile vomiting episode.
- d) Your child has never slept in their own bed, so I should brace for a midnight visitor.
Animal Considerations:
We have several pets; how should we prepare?
- a) Your child has cat allergies but is fine with dogs.
- b) Your child loves cats but is scared of dogs.
- c) Your child is allergic to cats and dislikes dogs; all pets must be boarded.
- d) Your child’s allergies require me to install a full house air filter and run it for 24 hours before playdates.
Playtime Preferences:
What toys should be prepared?
- a) Legos, but no sets; creativity is stifled by instructions.
- b) Proper Lego sets—ensure no pieces are missing; directions are essential for fun.
- c) American Girl Dolls, complete with a closet, clothes, and a hair salon.
- d) Any toys, as long as they aren’t made in China.
Screen Time Guidelines:
What TV and movie rules apply?
- a) Your child can watch PG-13 as long as there’s no bad language or sexual innuendo; violence is okay.
- b) They can watch PG-13 provided there’s no violence or strong language, but some sexual innuendo is fine.
- c) No television at all; studies show this could lower their IQ or attention span.
- d) Your child can watch whatever they want; they have three older siblings, so just keep them alive, please!
Activity Preferences:
What activities will your child enjoy?
- a) Baking gluten-free cupcakes with politically correct decorations, like a Mother Teresa meringue?
- b) Filmmaking—perhaps this budding director wants costumes, high-tech video gear, and a computer for editing?
- c) Board games—please send the adjusted manual for any games; we’ll loan money in Monopoly to ensure no one loses.
- d) Visual arts—send a list of their preferred mediums; crayons may be seen as inferior.
Household Rules:
What rules should we follow?
- a) Food and drinks should be allowed everywhere to avoid low blood sugar.
- b) Everything should be covered in plastic to prevent upset if kids put their feet on furniture.
- c) All breakables should be stored away; if your child sees a fragile item and breaks it, their spirit will be crushed.
- d) We should install an indoor jungle gym and assemble a slide on the stairs for children’s amusement.
A huge shoutout to all the parents who shared their kids’ high-maintenance tendencies to help me create this list. And of course, thanks to my kids for letting me poke fun at their quirks! Remember, it’s all in good fun.
For more insights on parenting, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination, or explore tips for using an artificial insemination kit. If you’re interested in the process of getting pregnant, this post on home insemination is worth a read!
Summary:
This humorous questionnaire is designed for parents to ensure smooth playdates by addressing food preferences, sleepover expectations, animal allergies, activity choices, and household rules. By gathering this information ahead of time, hosting kids becomes less stressful and more enjoyable.