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Parenting
Am I Creating a Compliment Addict?
by Jamie Patterson
Updated: Aug. 19, 2015
Originally Published: April 7, 2015
I could see the pride on my son’s face and the way he was biting his lip to hold back a grin. He was genuinely pleased with himself. He nodded in all the right moments, said everything he needed to, and was attentive and polite—just as I had taught him.
Later, he expressed his affection for this process: “I love being such a good student! Especially during parent-teacher conferences when I get all those compliments.”
He wasn’t bragging; he simply embraced the validation that his environment offered, and I found myself nodding along, feeling proud of being the parent who sends a child to school described as “a joy to have in the classroom.” My son carefully collected his gold stars, clearly enjoying the praise.
I found myself wondering, “Am I creating a compliment addict?” Well, it takes one to know one.
Coincidentally, earlier that same day, I was sitting alone, reading and journaling about my own relationship with praise. I was diving into Tara Mohr’s book Playing Big, and having my own realizations about my dependence on positive feedback and how it might actually be holding me back. My son’s casual mention of his love for compliments hit a nerve that had been tenderly explored earlier that day.
I have always been a praise addict. As a child, I put on my best adult act, pretending to be independent and responsible, learning to rely on compliments to reinforce how good and smart I was. In school, I consistently scored high marks. In my professional life, I crave recognition and approval. It’s not just that I enjoy praise; I absolutely need it. It fuels my motivation.
I’ve always been willing to put in the effort with the understanding that there would be some form of success or acknowledgment waiting for me. Just one little pat on the back is all it takes to keep me moving forward. These boosts can come in various forms—a “Great job!” from a boss, a simple thank you for unloading the dishwasher, or the Likes, Hearts, and Tweets I check obsessively.
Just the other day, while in a yoga class, I was focused on perfecting my pose, all while thinking, “Does the instructor notice how well I’m doing?” When he said, “Good job, Jamie,” from across the room, it validated all my hard work.
Yes, I know it’s a problem. I am a praise addict. And here was my bright, charming child following the same path of seeking approval.
However, as Mohr points out, this behavior can be more limiting than we realize. When we are “hooked on praise,” we risk allowing it to define our own self-worth. To be effective change-makers, we must “influence authority figures, not just please them.”
Reading Mohr’s insights made me realize just how much I need to work on breaking these deeply rooted habits. Every chapter feels like a bitter pill I have to swallow. I flinch at her anti-praise stances, which tells me I need some serious rehabilitation.
So, what’s a parent to do? I want to instill respect in my children—for themselves, their peers, teachers, and adults in their lives. Often, that respect comes with praise for being polite and well-mannered, and my partner and I take great pride in our children’s ability to navigate various social situations.
But I don’t want to turn them into little praise-seeking robots. I don’t want them chasing gold stars or seeking outside validation only to find themselves in 20 years needing rehab from the cycle of compliments that they’ve come to depend on.
How do we, as Mohr suggests, “unhook from praise” so that we’re not raising children who become addicted to it when they face the real world? In an educational system that rewards performance and a “good kid” persona, how do we ensure that we aren’t raising little approval junkies?
When my son talked about how much he enjoyed receiving compliments, I struggled to find the right words. I had that classic parenting moment—an opportunity to plant a seed, but my mind just wouldn’t cooperate. So, I said nothing.
If I could rewind time, I wish I had said:
“My dear son, you are incredible for so many reasons. You bring joy, empathy, and kindness to everything you do. You’re a unique blend of humor and compassion, and I never want you to lose those qualities because they define who you are. A person is not just a collection of compliments. You are not merely what others perceive. I want you to strive for your best, but more importantly, I want you to be true to yourself, even when it feels challenging.”
To which he’d probably respond, “Can I have dessert?” Regardless of whether he grasps it or not, my journey to overcome my craving for praise continues with the hope that it will eventually pay off. I believe that with a little awareness, we can strike a balance between the “Great jobs!” and truly defining ourselves outside of them.
And even though I’d love to hear your thoughts on how well I’m parenting, I’m not actively seeking your praise or feedback. Not anymore.
For more insights into navigating parenting and self-validation, check out this excellent resource on female infertility and home insemination.
Summary
In this reflective piece, Jamie Patterson explores the challenges of raising children in a praise-driven environment while grappling with her own dependency on compliments. She shares the importance of instilling self-respect and authenticity in her children, rather than molding them into approval-seekers. By balancing the need for praise and fostering true self-identity, parents can help their children navigate the real world without relying solely on external validation.