The 9 Circles of Toy Purgatory

The First Circle:

cute baby laying downlow cost IUI

Ah, the remnants of babyhood—those toys we bought with glittering eyes and unbridled optimism before tiny feet ever graced the earth. “$42 for a squeaky toy? Well, that’s cheaper than dinner out, right? Let’s snag that!” Remember those blissful days? Now, that obnoxious squeaky giraffe glares at you from atop a mountain of clutter, mocking your past joys.

The Second Circle:

No harm shall befall our precious angel! All toys must be made of wood, organic, and colored with the essence of organic pomegranates. And heaven forbid any corporate mascots breach our little one’s innocent mind!

The Third Circle:

MY NAME IS ELMO, LET’S BE FRIENDS! SING ALONG! COUNT TO TWENTY! LET’S YELL LOUDER THAN A ’93 NIRVANA CONCERT, AND LET’S MAKE SURE THE BATTERIES EXPLODE JUST ENOUGH TO STICK THE ON/OFF SWITCH IN A BROILING MESS OF TOXICITY, RENDERING ME IMPOSSIBLE TO TURN OFF. HEE HEE HEEEE! ELMO LOVES FUN, ALMOST AS MUCH AS YOU LOVE YOUR UNINTERRUPTED SHOWER TIME.

The Fourth Circle:

Someone at preschool mentioned fine motor skills, and now we’re all in. Let’s get a stash of giant blocks and marble runs, and enjoy the thrill of problem-solving through a sea of frustration, as everything crumbles to the ground. Why are we always crying?

The Fifth Circle:

Superheroes, superheroes, oh my gosh, the superheroes!

The Sixth Circle:

The federal government has deemed your child old enough to not gobble every colorful plastic trinket within reach. Huzzah! But, they also won’t replace your vacuum after it ingests sixteen handfuls of Lego hair.

The Seventh Circle:

Sunshine is delightful, isn’t it? Wouldn’t it be amazing to create art with chalk, chase bubbles, and launch foam rockets into the neighbors’ windows? Yes? GREAT! NOW GET OUTSIDE AND DON’T BRING THE ROCKET BACK IN. GO!

The Eighth Circle:

Welcome to the We Should Spend More Time Together circle. This is the “I’m Sorry You Broke Your Foot Jumping Off The Geodesic Dome” circle. The realm of older kids, where we have so much stuff but very little that actually entertains without requiring more space. Enter cooking toys—what fun it is to chop pretend tomatoes for dinner! Isn’t it great to use this small-hand-friendly peeler? Absolutely! It’s the circle of desperate parents everywhere, yearning for someone—anyone—to take over dinner duties. quiet weeping

The Ninth Circle:

Nothing is under $200. Nothing! Except for accessories. Then you’re left thinking, “Eh, $42 for a bag/charger? I guess it’s cheaper than a night out, but it’ll only get us a couple of hours of babysitting. By the time we cover parking and drinks, $200 is a steal.”

This article was originally shared on March 27, 2015. If you’re interested in exploring more about this journey, check out this link for additional insights.

In summary, the journey through the nine circles of toy purgatory is a wild ride of nostalgia, frustration, and the quest for sanity as parents navigate the overwhelming world of childhood toys. From the good intentions of babyhood to the chaotic energy of older kids, each circle presents its own unique challenges and humorous moments.

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