I’ve dabbled in yoga for years, and while I know I should say “practiced,” it feels more fitting to say that I’ve been doing yoga without really mastering it. I adore the activity and the way it makes me feel, but I often find myself struggling with it. Breathing? Forget about it—I inhale when I should exhale, and sometimes I even hold my breath, which is definitely not the goal. Worst of all, I have a hard time staying present, a key aspect of yoga. Instead of focusing on my breath and my chakras, my mind tends to wander. When the instructor tells us to clear our thoughts, here’s what’s actually happening in my head:
Is that my stomach growling? I’m starving. What’s for dinner? Do I have enough gas in my car? Can I afford to fill it up? What time does the big game start? Who are we playing? I’m the worst fan, but I do enjoy college football. Maybe I should go back to school. Also, I’ve got a mountain of laundry waiting for me. I can’t wait to move.
And those calming breaths… I really should invest in some new yoga clothes. I wonder if Goodwill has any? No, wait, Goodwill is a no-go. Maybe I should check out some consignment shops. Where did that one place move to? And there’s my stomach again. Oh, I have those baby carrots and yogurt dill dip waiting for me. Seriously? That’s what I want? This yoga thing is really showing me what I put into my body. Baby carrots with yogurt dip, and I still have that Ben & Jerry’s ice cream in the freezer. Lunch and dinner sorted! Boom.
In this moment, I crave food that’s outside the studio. Why don’t I eat before class? This happens every time. Great. I’m the classic hungry lady in yoga. Don’t judge me, fit folks; I’m just thinking about those baby carrots. I really need to buy a yoga mat. It’s silly to keep borrowing one when they’re only about $6 at Target. That needs to happen.
And then we flow into child’s pose… Ah, sweet child’s pose. Yes, stretch it out. I’m so flexible now. I can feel my spine stretching through my fingertips. Speaking of spines, I need to look up those final moves for Mortal Kombat on YouTube. Which character pulls out their opponent’s spine? That’s such a cool move. The guys would love it. Is that too violent? I grew up gaming, and I’m not a serial killer—yet. If I don’t eat soon, it might become a possibility.
And here comes proud warrior… Damn right, I’m a proud warrior! I’ve got this! I can already tell I’ll be sore tomorrow. This is just INTRO to yoga? I’m so glad I didn’t jump into power yoga; I think that would’ve been the end of me. I’m starving—what time is it? Oh, I have apples at home too.
Now, onto tree pose. Really feel your feet as roots… My foot is a root. Look at me! I should wear my glasses in here so I can fully appreciate how awesome I look right now. I AM a majestic tree! I should just relax and breathe as we’re taught and be in the moment. But wait, I’m so hungry. This studio is lovely; I enjoy that mural. I wonder if it has a deeper meaning or if it’s just there for decoration. I should ask.
Now, we lie down on our backs and mentally scan our bodies to fully relax… THIS is what I’m talking about. This flat-on-my-back, arms at my sides, palms up, doing absolutely nothing but breathing pose? I’ve mastered it at this point in my life.
And breathe… AND BREATHE.
Namaste.
Nailed it.