Unmarried moms – we’re often perceived as unpredictable and mysterious figures in the parenting world. Choosing to stay in a committed relationship without tying the knot is a conscious decision, and believe me, it requires just as much effort as being married. (Let’s be honest, it might even require a few more creative negotiations.)
Everyone seems to have an opinion about our marital status. The questions come flooding in, whether it’s the nosy neighbor or a distant relative: When are you getting married? Why haven’t you? You’d think I was breaking some cardinal rule just by living my life.
My partner, Tom, and I have been happily cohabiting for over a decade. Parenthood wasn’t part of our initial plan, but as my desire for a family grew, so did his. He’s definitely the kind of guy who’d make a fantastic dad, if he ever decides to take that leap. (Pun intended!) To our surprise, we soon announced a significant milestone: I was pregnant.
But not everyone shared in our excitement. From the divorcee who warned me about raising a “bastard” (you can read the full story here) to my mother, who briefly suspected I might have gotten pregnant on the down-low (I didn’t), the “frenemies” of the unmarried mom are everywhere.
So, who are the ones most intimidated by an unmarried mom?
The True Believers: For those who are deeply religious, my unmarried status might feel like an affront to your beliefs. I understand your perspective, and I’m genuinely sorry if my choices bring you discomfort. However, we each have our own paths and beliefs. If I ever need help with my spiritual journey, I may seek guidance, but likely not from someone who holds such rigid views.
The Joneses: The Joneses are perhaps the biggest adversaries for unmarried moms. While the True Believers want to save my soul, the Joneses are preoccupied with keeping up appearances. They’re the ones who spend excessively to maintain a perfect façade, starting with the diamond ring. And spoiler alert: There’s no ring on my finger, which puts me at odds with their idea of perfection. Ironically, many of them are the unhappiest because they devote so much energy to masking their own messy lives.
Married Moms: You’re usually friendly when it’s just us moms together, but I can see that little twist of your wedding ring every time we meet. You’re happy in your situation, and that’s wonderful, but please remember: your happiness doesn’t need to mirror mine. Let’s pop a bottle of wine and agree to disagree about our life choices. I promise, I’m not here to steal your husband just because I’m not “officially” wed. Pinky swear!
Do-Good Dads: This group may seem harmless at first glance, but they often have a hidden agenda. They’re the ones who have to follow strict plans just to make a simple trip to the hardware store and avoid any run-ins with unmarried moms. They assume that if I were committed, I’d be married. Yet, their tales of marital woes don’t make me want to rush to the altar. In fact, their attempts to convince me often backfire. (Sorry, Do-Good Dads, I genuinely want you to reclaim your freedom, but I’m not the one standing in your way.)
Childless by Choice: Unmarried moms can be quite intimidating to those who’ve chosen to be child-free. Just one slip-up, and you could find yourself in our shoes. So, keep that birth control handy and don’t try to drag me back into the party scene – my hangover days are behind me!
Spotting an Unmarried Mom: It’s nearly impossible to tell. We blend in seamlessly with the crowd, often mistaken for single moms or even married moms who’ve simply removed their rings. Before you jump to conclusions, consider: if I did wear a ring, would you even notice the difference? I’m a dedicated mother, regardless of my marital status.
Let’s build a friendship and keep the dialogue open. I’ll answer your burning questions one more time: Am I getting married to my daughter’s father? Right now? No. In the future? Maybe. Time will tell.
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Summary
Unmarried moms often face judgment and misconceptions from various groups, including religious individuals, perfectionists, married moms, and even child-free friends. Each group has its own fears and biases about unmarried motherhood, but it’s essential to recognize that happiness comes in many forms. Understanding and acceptance are crucial for building supportive relationships.