As I sat there, my sweet little babe repeatedly swatting at my face, it dawned on me: breastfeeding feels a lot like an unexpected foray into the world of BDSM. If you’ve ever nursed, these scenarios might hit a little too close to home…
- The Boob Slap: Nothing says “I’m ready to eat” quite like your baby’s hand smacking your breast — ideally in a crowded church or the grocery store, just to add a touch of public embarrassment to the mix.
- The Thigh Squeeze: When your tiny cherub decides nursing is best done while standing, and those once-adorable toes dig so deeply into your thighs that you’re left with bruises.
- The Acrobat’s Assault: This move showcases your infant’s impressive flexibility. Watch out for the roundhouse kick to the nose while still latched, or the swift jab to the ear just as they break the latch.
- “I-Can’t-Believe-They’re-Not-Knives” Technique: Tiny fingernails turn into miniature knives, particularly when they dig mercilessly into your already tender skin. Talk about a painful surprise!
- The Tantric Nurser: This expert doesn’t care about your cracked nipples or sore back. Their relentless need for milk transforms your peaceful Netflix session into a marathon of discomfort, requiring a healthy dose of nipple cream.
- The Head-Butt: A classic tactic designed to ensure you comply quickly. With alarming speed, your baby slams their head towards your breast, often repeating this until you learn to read their cues.
- The Refusal: This sneaky move, typically executed by older infants, is a true power play. Just watch how they can send you into a meltdown or create a milk fountain with a simple refusal to nurse.
- The Nipple Clamp: Instead of sucking, your baby’s curious experiment might feel like they’re trying to extract your lung through your chest. And when they break the latch? Cue the cries and an enthusiastic boob slap for your disobedience.
- The “Hickey”: Too impatient to wait for the nipple, your little one crashes their head into your chest, resulting in marks that linger for days. It’s like a bizarre tattoo only a mother would appreciate.
- The Biter: This one’s self-explanatory. Your little one feigns remorse when you yelp in pain, only to immediately do it again, teaching you to brace yourself for the thrill of the bite.
Stay strong, mamas! And if you’re curious about more parenting tips and tricks, check out one of our other blog posts here.
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In summary, breastfeeding can be both a beautiful and challenging journey filled with unexpected moments that require a sense of humor and resilience. Embrace the chaos and keep moving forward!