Every September, as the school year kicks off, I sit down with my boys for a chat about bullies. I explain what bullying is, and more importantly, that they should never become bullies themselves. This conversation is crucial because both of my kids are on the autism spectrum, making them more vulnerable to being targeted. They struggle to interpret social cues and often miss the subtle signs of sarcasm or meanness. If they sense someone is being unkind, they might not fully grasp the situation and may need guidance.
This leads to a tricky dilemma for parents: when should you step in, and when should you let your child handle things on their own? It’s a balancing act that all parents face as their kids grow.
Two years ago, we faced our first major incident when our oldest son was bullied. After a series of conferences, the school held the bully accountable, but deep down, we knew this wasn’t going to be a one-off situation. My husband and I debated how to approach future incidents. Should we alert the school every time something happened? We wanted our boys to learn to stand up for themselves, but we also couldn’t be there to protect them at all times.
Last year, the same child who had bullied our oldest resurfaced with more nasty behavior. It made me furious. Our sensitive child was crying himself to sleep every night because of this one mean-spirited kid. I lay awake at night, torn between teaching him resilience and the desire to protect him from pain. How could I encourage him to grow a thick skin while also empowering him to stand up for himself without mirroring the bully’s behavior?
One night, during a discussion about the bullying, he asked for advice on how to handle it. I took a deep breath and said, “When I deal with adult bullies, I remind myself that they’re just unpleasant people. Life has its fair share of nice folks, but then there are those who just aren’t. So, when that kid is mean to you, just tell yourself he’s not worth your energy.” To my surprise, he found comfort in that perspective. I was relieved—until the thought crossed my mind: what if he accidentally said that out loud at school?
Fortunately, he didn’t. This little strategy turned out to be quite effective. Recently, while we were at a ballpark, some kids began picking on our youngest. Their remarks were shockingly cruel, telling him that the world would be better off without him (to an 8-year-old, no less!). My oldest then asked me to step in. That was my cue; I had to act. Kids shouldn’t be allowed to say such hurtful things.
After a few tears and an apology, our youngest bounced back surprisingly well. I felt a wave of gratitude that he didn’t fully grasp the meanness of the situation due to his autism, and I hoped he wouldn’t remember this incident in the future. However, I knew our oldest had understood the gravity of what had happened.
Walking out of the park with my oldest, I was fighting back tears. I calmly asked, “Are you okay after witnessing that?” He replied, “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just glad my brother is okay. Those kids were just a bunch of jerks.”
That’s parenting at its best right there.
If you’d like to dive deeper into parenting and related topics, check out our other blog posts, like this one on intracervical insemination. Also, if you’re exploring options for pregnancy, makeamom.com is an excellent resource. For more information on pregnancy itself, this WHO guide can be very helpful.
Summary
In my approach to teach my children how to deal with bullies, I emphasize understanding their feelings and developing resilience while also encouraging them to stand up for themselves—without becoming bullies. Through open conversations and practical advice, I aim to equip them with the tools they need to navigate challenging social situations.