As I indulged in my annual February treat of a whole box of Girl Scout Thin Mints paired with a glass of Pinot Noir, I realized there was something crucial missing—the coveted Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Issue. I hesitated to dive into another commentary, especially after last year’s colorful feedback, which included some rather intense messages and a few unkind remarks about my appearance. But you know what? A little spice never hurt anyone!
So here it is: my 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Shopping Guide! No need to make a purchase because I can whip one up for you. Just hand me my grandma’s old kitchen curtains and a pair of her mesh footies—sewing is not really my thing, so you’re on your own!
Can someone help this model with her shoulder straps? It seems like she’s only using one. But hey, maybe she likes living on the edge—who needs balance anyway?
Here’s a swimsuit that looks like the result of a wild one-piece/two-piece hybrid party mixed with a bit of an adventurous lifestyle.
Time to cowboy up, everyone! Nothing screams sophistication quite like a swimsuit with some quirky fringe. I refer to this as the “Play Dough Squish,” because that’s how my hips would likely appear squeezed through those side straps—think tiny hot dogs, and don’t forget the ketchup!
For those who prefer a modest approach, here’s a swimsuit that’s just a tad cheeky, but not too much. A little sand never hurt anyone, although I have a feeling her experience might be a bit different. That hair and sand combo on her back? It’s giving me the heebie-jeebies.
“These rocks look comfy enough for a nap,” said no one ever. I can already imagine the scenario—an awkward flop and a post-breastfeeding moment slipping out of my suit, all while a wave crashes behind me.
Are you planning to lounge in that hammock or just stand there looking fabulous? Move over, because I need to lay down! While you’re at it, could you grab me a vodka on the rocks?
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In summary, the 2015 Victoria’s Secret Swimsuit Buying Guide is a humorous take on the wild world of swimsuit fashion. With a bit of tongue-in-cheek commentary, it invites readers to enjoy the fun side of swimwear while subtly weaving in references to resources for home insemination and pregnancy.