I’m an unmarried mom, happily in a committed relationship. My partner, Tom, and I are content living together in what some might consider “mortal sin,” while our two-year-old daughter remains blissfully unaware that her existence has supposedly doomed us. After all, we were already in hot water the moment we created her outside the bounds of matrimony.
For over a decade, we’ve been navigating the ups and downs of life together. We live, travel, and work side by side, and while there may be some boundary issues, our main focus is raising our daughter.
If you saw us strolling down the street, you might mistake us for a traditional family, complete with wedding bands and shared bank accounts. But you’d be mistaken. We’re not married—and we don’t have any plans to be.
The Questions Begin
The questions started off innocently enough.
“You’re planning to get married before the baby arrives, right?” (Trust me, a ring isn’t required for childbirth. Women have been doing it sans rings since the days of Mary Magdalene.)
“Well, now you really have to tie the knot.” (Oh sure, let me just call the nearest officiant. I’ll be right back, so hold your breath until then.)
“Doesn’t it bother you that you’re not married?” (If it did, wouldn’t I be married by now?)
The most inappropriate inquiry came from a tall, slim, divorcee who seemed to be on a mission to secure a husband. At a party, while I was proudly pregnant and surrounded by other married moms, she decided to speak up (let’s call her “Gossip Girl”).
“Oh. My. Gosh. You must be so thrilled about the baby!!!”
I smiled, nodded, and gently rubbed my belly—baby talk is my jam.
“So, when are you two going to get hitched?”
I replied with my standard line, “No plans to marry. We’ve been together a long time, and we’re both committed.” I added, “We might consider it eventually, but for now, we’re focusing on what’s best for our little one.”
Gossip Girl looked puzzled at my response. After an awkward pause, she continued, “But you don’t want your child to be a bastard, do you?”
Cue the screeching brakes. Did she really just say that?
In retrospect, I could have thought of many clever comebacks, but I was too stunned to respond.
But Gossip Girl wasn’t done. “Just think about how your kid will feel on her first day of kindergarten when the teacher messes up her last name. She’ll have to explain in front of her classmates that Mommy and Daddy didn’t love each other enough to get married. You’ll pick her up crying, and she’ll resent you. You wouldn’t want to do that, would you? It’s not fair to make her a bastard.”
(Side note: I’m paraphrasing, but I have to give Gossip Girl credit—she painted a vivid picture of my daughter’s future emotional struggles, complete with heavy backpacks and tears rolling down rosy cheeks. Truly inspiring.)
At that moment, a witty comeback would have been great, but alas, I wasn’t quick enough. The married moms around us suddenly found their wine glasses fascinating, trying their best to listen without appearing engaged.
But then, a voice chimed in from the group. “Well, we can all agree that marriage doesn’t work for everyone, right? After all, Gossip Girl, haven’t they been together longer than your first two marriages combined?” A sip of wine followed, and the conversation shifted to something less confrontational.
Victory! Gossip Girl, you’ve been served.
I share this story to highlight the many challenges that come with being an Unmarried Mom. I never imagined that a twice-divorced woman would judge my choices so harshly.
Let me be clear: if marriage is meaningful to you, that’s fantastic! I would be thrilled to celebrate your special day and cheer you on. I might even find you a unique, handcrafted gift from Etsy to commemorate your union.
Every day, I recommit to making my relationship work. I can’t rely on a piece of paper to ensure my partner stays. We have our issues—who doesn’t? But I assure you, the struggles of an Unmarried Mom mirror those of any couple; they just don’t involve wedding dresses or legal documentation. So the next time you encounter a mom without a ring, remember she likely shares more similarities with you than you realize.
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Summary
Being an unmarried mom comes with its own set of challenges and judgments from others. While some may feel pressured to conform to traditional marriage norms, the reality is that commitment and love exist in many forms. This story sheds light on the misconceptions surrounding unmarried parents and emphasizes that the bonds created through love and partnership are what truly matter.