What’s up with you and all this daydreaming about messing up or not holding up your end of the bargain, and somehow it’s never really your fault? Chill out a bit. Everyone has those moments.
Actually, no they don’t. And that’s pretty much all that runs through your mind. You think about how everyone else is just as flawed as you, but only you have the guts to admit it. The truth is, others aren’t as bad as you think—they’re probably better. Which is exactly why you need to haul yourself up for a two-and-a-half-hour meditation session.
Oh, come on! You don’t really have to go. No one’s keeping a scorecard. You absolutely despise how some of these new-age folks cling to the idea that they can erase their missteps through meditation while acting as though they have some profound calling. You’re no better than they are.
Stop being so hard on yourself.
But if you ease up, you might just keep being a jerk forever.
Fair point.
You’re not wearing a bra. Is that your way of honoring the Universe’s sacred darkness?
Ugh, look at that terrible parking job! Is that person next to you laughing? Oh wait, it’s that guy. He doesn’t care.
Oh no. They’re doing warm-ups before this. Why do these ultra-fit ladies have to run the show? They need someone like you to bring a little chill.
Just take your sweet time setting up your blankets and mat, and then you can skip all the warm-ups. Okay, rolling your neck isn’t that tough. You got this.
Oh, everyone has their eyes shut. You can stop now.
Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru.
How long has it been? How many seconds in one mantra? Maybe if you calculate that, you can count and make it less dull. Do this for, say, half an hour, and then you can lie down.
Oh, two people are already lying down. You can join! Oh, wait, they’re kids. You can’t be the only adult taking a break.
About thirty minutes have gone by. Maybe you can lie down for forty minutes and still get up for the last bit. No, you can’t.
You can totally get away with that.
Wow, you were out for ages. Time for a bathroom break. Whoa, it’s 6:45! This is wrapping up soon. You could sneak to the bathroom, come back, chant Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru seven times, and be home asleep in five minutes. Amazing!
Stare at the clock because you’re probably exhausted. Yup, it’s definitely 6:45. This is awesome! You zoned out for a good chunk of meditation, but it’s not like that was your fault. Wow, you didn’t even scold yourself about being lazy. Is that progress? Did the meditation actually help?
Okay, at least fifteen minutes have passed. What’s the deal with these folks? Are they planning to keep you here till the end of time? Can you lie down again? Just say “Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru” ten more times and then you’ll be done. You have to be. You saw the clock! You’re probably just misjudging time because it’s dragging on.
Someone just showed up. Oh great, it’s Amy. She said she’d arrive around 6:15. Is it really 6:15? No way. She’s just late. Don’t check the clock. Don’t!
Oh my God, it is 6:15.
Go chant some more. You’ve got this. Yes! Well done.
Finally, another adult lies down. Oh great, she’s pregnant. Of course, they always get a free pass. You have to keep sitting up. You really do. Okay, just lie down for one second. Then it’s back to sitting and chanting. Just keep going.
Just five minutes lying down, and then you can rise.
Did she just say “last one”? Sit up quickly. Maybe no one noticed that you were lying down the whole time.
“Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru.” You did it.
You didn’t do much at all; you were out cold.
Leave me alone! At least you showed up.
Is that enough? Just being present?
That’s going to have to be enough, because that’s basically all you do.
Fair enough.