What I missed out on in stretch marks from pregnancy, I definitely made up for with pregnancy hemorrhoids—those pesky, painful lumps that make sitting feel like a punishment. While others flaunt their stretch marks as badges of honor, I’m left feeling like I’ve got a secret I don’t want to share.
#HemorrhoidsAreReal #MomLife #EmbraceTheStruggle
The discomfort kicked in around eight weeks into my second pregnancy. Honestly, I thought hemorrhoids were just for the elderly. But one day, the throbbing became unbearable, and I knew it was time to investigate.
So, there I was in my bathroom, the only sizable mirror in the house, thinking it was time for a reality check. I dropped my pants, bent over, and peeked at the situation.
OMG, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE THOSE?
Lumpy, bumpy growths surrounding my rear end. Hemorrhoids, I quickly learned, are the worst. In a panic, I yelled for my husband, “Google hemorrhoids! What do I do?”
“No way am I Googling that,” he replied.
“Just hand me my phone!”
After a frantic search, I discovered that relief was just a tube of hemorrhoid cream away. But here’s the catch—it’s not available online; I had to venture out to the grocery store or a local pharmacy. Public embarrassment, here I come!
I thought I had conquered the shame of buying super-absorbency pads and tampons after years of motherhood, but that was nothing compared to the horror of facing the anal aisle. Imagine me, surrounded by enemas and laxatives, and the only other shopper is a sweet elderly lady with her cart full of prune juice.
To add to my mortification, I had to buy that tube of Preparation H and face the cashier. I awkwardly concealed the tube in my hand, trying to act casual while scanning the checkout area. I briefly considered stealing it, but getting caught with hemorrhoid cream would be an even bigger nightmare.
“Please let it be a woman cashier!” I silently begged. But no, I ended up with a teenage boy. Great, he’s probably going to tell his friends about the woman who bought hemorrhoid cream. If only I had thrown in some eggs and milk to distract from the cream!
As I placed the tube on the conveyor belt, I wanted to scream. Just put it in a bag already!
Then, to my horror, a handsome firefighter walked up to my lane. Seriously? I smiled awkwardly, then quickly glanced down at the credit card machine as the cashier asked, “Did you find everything OK today, ma’am?”
All I wanted was for him to hurry up!
Finally, I got the bag and bolted out the door.
Back home, I ripped open the box only to discover I needed wipes first. Do we even have baby wipes? I rummaged through my kid’s bathroom, soaked the dried-out wipes, and got to work.
I applied the cream for two weeks, only to discover my hemorrhoids were still hanging around. A visit to the doctor confirmed it—yep, hemorrhoids. But thankfully, I left with a stronger prescription cream.
I was relieved but also frustrated. All that embarrassment, and I could have just gone to the doctor from the start! Next time, I’ll take the rectal exam over public humiliation any day. Well, unless the doctor is cute—then I might reconsider.
For more insights on navigating the world of pregnancy and home insemination, check out this fantastic resource at Resolve. And if you’re looking for ways to boost your fertility, Make a Mom has some great tips!
Summary:
Navigating the world of hemorrhoid cream can be filled with embarrassment and unexpected encounters. From the awkward trip to the store to the relief of a prescription, every moment can be a comedic mishap. With a little humor, we can embrace these challenges and move forward.