Dear Future Expert on All Things Parenting,
As your due date draws near, I see you fretting over trivial matters. Let me give you a friendly nudge: none of those worries are worth your time. Right now, the best thing you can do is hit the hay and catch some Z’s before the whirlwind of parenthood starts. Trust me—this may be your last chance for uninterrupted sleep for what feels like an eternity.
Worried about tossing and turning due to pregnancy discomfort? Just wait! Soon enough, you’ll find yourself wide awake at 3 AM, covered in baby spit-up, too afraid to move a muscle for fear of disturbing your little one—who, by the way, will only sleep when cradled in your arms.
And speaking of concerns that won’t matter in the long run, why are you so preoccupied with the thought of, um, having an “accident” during childbirth? When the moment arrives, you won’t care if there’s a mess on the ceiling—as long as they help you deliver that baby faster than a teenager can click through a magazine.
That book on natural childbirth you’re poring over? Do yourself a favor and swap it for What on Earth Do I Do with This Baby? Once labor kicks in, you’ll be begging for that epidural before you even reach three centimeters. Remember, the delivery is just a day, but parenting is a lifetime commitment. Spend your time learning about raising a child instead of honing breathing techniques that won’t ease the pain—although they might help with your first post-baby bathroom visit.
You have a lot of opinions about parenting now, but get ready for a reality check. For every judgment you cast on others, karma is waiting to serve you a hefty dose of mom guilt. So keep side-eyeing that friend who leaves her kids at daycare for a little me-time. Soon, you’ll be wishing there were weekend daycare hours. And that mom in the grocery store whose shirt is askew? Just wait—your wardrobe will soon resemble a circus tent, and you’ll find remnants of yesterday’s lunch on your kid’s face while you rock a look that’s best suited for a retirement home.
So, go ahead and indulge in that cheesecake while you can. You might think you’re all baby bump, but it’s heading straight for your behind. Spoiler alert: breastfeeding won’t magically melt the pounds away for you. You’ll be that mom whose child arrives at preschool mismatched and bare-faced, while you struggle to remember the last time you had a moment to yourself. Soon, a trip to the dentist will feel like a luxurious spa day.
Once your little one arrives, you’ll be balancing new baby duties, discovering your partner’s hidden quirks, and navigating those wild postpartum hormones. You’ll find yourself popping birth control like candy just to avoid a second child. But one fateful night, with a glass of cheap wine in hand, you might just throw caution to the wind and do it all over again.
There’s only one thing that will carry you through the stretch marks, the spit-up, and the emotional rollercoaster of postpartum life—the love you haven’t yet realized is waiting for you.
So, strap on those mom jeans and hold onto your bladder while you still can because this journey is just getting started. Ditch the judgment and begin supporting your fellow moms—you’ll soon discover you’re all in this together, figuring it out as you go.
With all my love,
Your Future Self