Parenting | Miscarriage, Times Two
By Sarah Thompson
Updated: Aug. 3, 2016
Originally Published: Jan. 8, 2014
This photo holds a special place in my heart. It captures a beautiful moment between my son and me, yet it masks the turmoil I was experiencing inside. Just weeks after enduring my second miscarriage within seven months, I found myself engulfed in a deep depression, teetering on the edge of despair. The first miscarriage had left me shattered, compounded by a series of medical blunders that followed. However, just three months later, I was filled with cautious optimism when I discovered I was pregnant again.
For a woman who has faced miscarriage, pregnancy is never the same. Doubts and fears linger in the background as the joy of a new pregnancy is often overshadowed by the anxiety of potential loss. I vividly recall the whirlwind of emotions I felt when that positive pregnancy test confirmed my hopes: joy (I could conceive again!), excitement (we were expecting another baby!), and trepidation (would this pregnancy last?). I made a promise to my husband that I wouldn’t let myself feel truly excited until I reached the 14-week milestone.
To be honest, my battle with depression, coupled with the fear of loss, made it hard for me to fully embrace this new pregnancy. Sure, I had the familiar symptoms, but after having experienced loss before, it was difficult to trust that everything would be okay.
Then came the moment I dreaded: during my ninth week, I started to bleed. A few days later, I was stocking up on prenatal vitamins during a buy one, get one free deal when I lost the baby at home the following day. The irony of the situation was not lost on me. Alone and in shock, I held my baby in my hand and felt utterly lost.
Devastation doesn’t quite capture the depth of my sorrow. I spiraled into a darkness that felt insurmountable. My mind turned against me, leaving me devoid of energy and struggling through each day while counting down the minutes until my son’s naptime. Those hours were spent on the couch, oscillating between staring blankly at the wall and crying uncontrollably. Those months were some of the most challenging of my life.
I had descended into such a dark place that I became unbearable to be around; my family bore the brunt of my pain. My husband, working long hours and navigating a four-hour commute, faced my anger and despair daily. My poor son, not yet a year and a half old, couldn’t comprehend why his mother was always in tears. Frustrated by typical toddler behavior, I often found myself shouting, struggling to maintain control. It hit me one day during a diaper change, after the first time I had spanked him, that I was not okay.
In mourning for the two babies I had lost, I had forgotten to cherish the precious moments with my son. Thoughts of escape and a desire to not wake up filled my mind; I even asked my husband for a divorce, grappling with the unsettling notion that I understood why some women left their families. It was a constant battle within me, knowing that lashing out was wrong, yet feeling a longing to walk away from it all. I questioned my right to be a mother.
Fortunately, my husband mustered the courage to suggest I seek help. After nearly three months of medication and therapy, I began to see a glimmer of hope. I felt more patient, loving, and grateful for my son. I could even look at pregnant women and babies without breaking down in tears. Gradually, I started to believe that I had a rightful place as a mother and that, maybe, I could embrace this role with confidence.
If you’re dealing with similar feelings, you’re not alone. For more insights on coping with miscarriage, check out this helpful post on our blog. Additionally, if you’re exploring at-home insemination options, consider visiting this reputable site for fertility supplements, which can enhance your journey. For more information on intrauterine insemination, this resource offers valuable guidance.
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