Before I became a parent, the concept of sleep training seemed utterly confusing. After all, the saying “sleeping like a baby” must have originated for a reason—so why do babies need sleep training?
I’m starting to suspect that this phrase was a clever jab from some sleep-deprived parents long ago, and it has since been used to mislead countless generations of hopeful moms and dads.
Since bringing little Mia home, I’ve discovered that newborns don’t sleep peacefully. Instead, they grunt, wiggle, cry, eat, and yes, even smile while supposedly snoozing for a whopping 16 to 18 hours a day. At first, I panicked and took her to the pediatrician, thinking something was wrong. But the doctor assured me she was perfectly healthy—just engaging in her natural, noisy sleep behavior.
As I packed up to head home, feeling defeated and ready for another session of “Go the f!#* to sleep,” a nurse came in. After taking in my tear-stained face and inside-out shirt, she said, “All four of my daughters were noisy sleepers too.”
In that moment, I realized this wasn’t just any nurse; she was a seasoned pro who understood my plight. Instead of offering advice, she simply patted my hand and told me to hang in there. I knew then that I had been had—my adorable little bundle was indeed a sleep thief. And judging by the nurse’s weary eyes, it wasn’t going to improve anytime soon.
I went home and rifled through all the hospital literature, skimmed my “What to Expect” books, and flipped through my extensive birthing class binder. Surely there had to be a manual for handling newborn sleep, right? Where’s the reset button?!
Then it hit me: If they revealed the whole truth about newborn sleep, people might reconsider having kids! So, what are the truths about newborn sleep?
- Noisy Sleepers: Babies make more noise than your uncle after a holiday dinner. They grunt, squeal, and thrash about, even when tightly swaddled. You’ll rush to their crib multiple times, only to wake them and start the whole cycle over again.
- Eyes Wide Open: Newborns often sleep with their eyes partially open, staring at you like tiny, adorable stalkers. Sometimes they roll their eyes back, looking like they just walked off the set of a zombie movie. It’s unsettling at first, but you’ll eventually get used to it.
- The Lucky Ones: If you’re a new mom and your baby sleeps for eight hours right off the bat, please keep it to yourself. I genuinely dislike you at this moment. Maybe we can be friends later, but for now, your “victory” is too hard to bear.
- Swaddling Questions: Please don’t ask, “Have you tried swaddling?” Yes, I’ve tried every swaddle technique known to humanity—including considering duct tape! It worked for a bit, but soon my clever baby figured out how to kick her way to freedom.
- Sleep Aids Galore: Don’t even ask me about sleep aids. I have two white noise machines and have tried every pacifier on the market. At one point, I considered molding a silicone version of my breast in a desperate bid for sleep. I’ve rocked, jiggled, and paced—anything for a few extra minutes of rest.
- Colic Confusion: The term “colic” is thrown around as a fancy way to say, “Your baby cries a lot, doesn’t sleep well, and the doctor is out of ideas.” Unfortunately, there’s no magic cure—just time.
- Noise Disruption: White noise can’t mask every sound—opening a soda can at 3 AM will sound like an explosion. If your baby is sleeping in the same room, you may find yourself lying still, not daring to move. The creak of your mattress will betray you.
- Take the Help: When family offers to watch the baby overnight, don’t hesitate. Accept their help and relish the chance for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. Hand over your little one and sprint to your room—emails and blogs can wait!
- Sleep When They Sleep: This advice is tricky. If your baby only naps in the car, you’ll find yourself driving in circles to catch a few z’s. Meanwhile, basic human needs like showering and eating will pressure you.
- Find What Works: If you discover a trick that helps your baby sleep, stick with it until it stops working. I recently spoke with my friend Sarah, who mentioned that none of her three kids ever slept more than three hours. But as they grow older, you can start laying down the law—at least they’ll pretend to sleep!
For more insights into the world of parenting and home insemination, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy, or visit our other blogs for more tips and tricks.
In summary, newborn sleep is not the serene experience many expect. It’s filled with noise, unpredictable patterns, and a healthy dose of chaos. But with a little patience and humor, you’ll navigate this wild adventure.