Somewhere between welcoming my first child and today, I transformed into a rather gross version of myself. It dawned on me just how much I’ve changed when a child-free friend looked at me with utter horror. Here’s a humorous look at the ten most surprising changes I’ve experienced since becoming a parent:
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Chocolate or Something Else?
Before kids: A brown smudge on my hand was undoubtedly chocolate. Honestly, I’d probably lick it off without a second thought.
After kids: That same brown stain? It could very well be poop. And my first instinct? A big whiff for confirmation! Either way, I’m unlikely to stop what I’m doing to clean it up right then—after all, it can wait! -
Boogers Galore!
Before kids: I was utterly disgusted by boogers. A single tissue wasn’t sufficient; I’d go through three just to blow my own nose! The thought of someone picking their nose made me gag.
After kids: If there’s a tissue handy, I might use it. But if not, my bare hand will do! Picking boogers out of my little one’s nose is now routine, and I’ve accepted my black clothes will forever bear those translucent smears. -
The Vomit Catcher
Before kids: If anyone looked like they might throw up, I’d bolt for cover, no sympathy given.
After kids: If my kids start hurling, my instinct is to catch it with my hands. Better to deal with warm, chunky vomit than to scrub the carpet later. Trust me, nothing gets that smell out! -
Saliva as a Cleaning Tool
Before kids: My sister used to torment me with her saliva antics, and I thought it was revolting.
After kids: I’ve become my sister! I now wipe my kids’ faces with my own saliva without a second thought—hey, it’s just to clean them up… right? -
Nail Maintenance
Before kids: Long nails? Simple—just clip them!
After kids: Kid nails grow at lightning speed! I often find myself on the couch nibbling at my baby’s nails just to keep them in check. -
Sleeping in Urine
Before kids: The only times I’d end up in urine would be completely accidental or during a wild night out.
After kids: One night, I woke up to a warm liquid coating my back. When the sleepy bedwetter muttered, “Sorry, Mommy,” I felt guilty for my panicked leap out of bed! Now, I face the choice of changing the sheets or just covering it with a towel. -
Bath Time Shenanigans
Before kids: If anyone peed or pooped in my bathtub, it was a full disinfection job!
After kids: Now, I plop my child into the tub, even if I see a yellow halo forming around them. A little tinkle in the water? No biggie! There’s a line of kids waiting to use that tub! -
Ice Cream Preparation
Before kids: Watching my mom lick the ice cream cone drove me crazy—I just wanted my treat!
After kids: Now, I’ve learned that licking the cone into shape is essential, and it’s a service to my child to keep their clothes clean! -
Leftover Highchair Food
Before kids: No way I’d eat partially chewed food from someone else’s plate!
After kids: If my little one isn’t eating it, I figure, why not? It’s lunch time, and I’m too busy to cook! -
Diaper Smelling
Before kids: I would never have imagined inhaling the aftermath of a diaper change.
After kids: Now, I can’t resist taking a whiff of a poopy diaper for some olfactory confirmation, even if it’s clearly not pleasant!
Being a parent involves some pretty gross moments, but they all come with the territory. I can only hope that one day my kids will find themselves in the same messy situation, continuing this cycle of grossness!
For more insights on pregnancy and parenting, check out March of Dimes as an excellent resource. And if you’re interested in the journey to parenthood, visit Make a Mom for top-notch information. Also, be sure to review our terms and conditions for more on the subject.
Summary:
Becoming a parent changes everything, from your perception of cleanliness to your willingness to embrace the grossest of situations. What once seemed disgusting is now just part of the daily grind. Before you know it, you’ll be catching vomit, sniffing diapers, and using your own saliva to clean your kids. It’s all in a day’s work for a parent!