It seems everywhere you turn, someone’s critiquing how we parent. Whether it’s from random articles, talking heads on TV, or parenting gurus, we’re often deemed too lenient, supposedly causing a rise in stress levels. I get it; there’s always room for improvement. However, the solution isn’t simply more strictness or less patience for “difficult” kids.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve encountered a so-called “problem child” who later grew up to be a decent adult, I’d be rolling in it. Because let’s be real: “badness” doesn’t just vanish. It sneaks up on you, often when you least expect it. I don’t believe in bad kids, and I certainly don’t think most parents are bad either. We’re all just trying to navigate this tangled web of societal expectations and our children’s natural desire to explore their world.
Disclaimer: I’m the complete opposite of the typical parenting expert. No apologies here! Our definitions of “discipline” are worlds apart.
This discussion isn’t about specific parenting styles or discipline techniques; it’s about fostering mutual respect—between parents and children as well as among adults. “Don’t be a jerk” is my guiding principle, and I hope it becomes a mantra for my kids, too, as they witness how I treat them and those around us.
This includes other parents. Respect doesn’t equal agreement. I can think you’re fantastic even if we don’t see eye to eye. When I spot a parent struggling with a tantrum at the grocery store, I won’t judge for even a moment.
We’ve lost our communal support to judgment and societal pressure. It’s high time we reclaim that sense of community.
Understanding Discipline
So, what’s the deal with discipline, and why do we chase it so fervently? When we think of discipline, we often imagine a child behaving perfectly in a store, contrasting sharply with the kid who’s throwing a fit in the candy aisle. But what does discipline really entail?
Discipline—or obedience as it’s often labeled—means a child learns to self-regulate their emotions. However, not every child can manage this all the time, and honestly, we didn’t evolve to either. We’re wired to seek comfort from our caregivers, syncing our heartbeats and breaths with theirs.
Kids have their own opinions too. They deserve more respect than they usually get—not in a way that caters to their every whim, but in a way that acknowledges their feelings. This is where it gets interesting. Parents who prioritize listening over strict obedience often get labeled as indulgent.
Yet there’s a crucial distinction between the traditional obedience-focused discipline and a more respectful approach that values long-term understanding over quick fixes.
One reason we push for immediate behavioral changes is our fear of judgment in public settings. While we might feel anxious at home during a tantrum, it’s a whole different ball game in public. Humans are hardwired to experience shame, which has evolved as a response to social conflict. So, it’s no wonder we’re sensitive to judgment from others.
Instead of responding with understanding—recognizing that kids have strong feelings and need support—we often hear harsh criticisms. “Your kids are out of control! What kind of parent lets that happen?” Um, the kind of parent who gets that a tantrum is just a child expressing an unmet need or seeking emotional regulation. Kids aren’t bad; they just need help, and they should feel free to express that.
Honestly, I’m just as upset about not being able to have twelve bags of marshmallows too. I just happen to have a bit more impulse control.
If we want our kids to confide in us about significant issues when they’re older, we must validate their concerns about the smaller things today. To them, whether the blue sippy cup is more appealing than the pink one is a monumental issue. They carry these patterns into adulthood, believing those are important matters.
It’s all about perspective, folks.
There’s a big difference between acknowledgment and agreement. This doesn’t mean we should give in to every whim, just like we wouldn’t simply hand over an IUD to a teen discussing sex. Respectful parenting involves dialogue, compromise, and recognizing that love should come before judgment.
Imagine how we’d want to be treated in a supermarket when our child is having a meltdown— with love, not condemnation. Where do we think that harsh judgment comes from? It’s learned behavior, passed down through generations, often without even realizing it.
We can respect those we disagree with and show kindness to parents who take a different approach. Just as we extend love and respect to our children in times of discord. One of us doesn’t have to be right for the other to be wrong within the family dynamic. We can still offer the support we all desperately need.
Sure, kids won’t always see things our way. They might shout in public that we’re unfair or that they hate us. But if they can voice their feelings over marshmallows now, they’re more likely to speak up later when it matters, like when someone offers them a cigarette. Understanding that it’s safe to express their opinions fosters a healthy pattern of behavior, provided it’s done respectfully.
And whether you label it disobedience or emotional expression, responding with love demonstrates unconditional support—not just when they’re “good.”
At the end of the day, goodness isn’t contingent on behavior; it’s an inherent quality. Children are innately good; they just make questionable choices, much like we do. Nobody is perfect. That mom yelling in the grocery store? She’s likely having a tough day, not being a bad parent.
Building empathy and respect through kindness and modeling behavior rather than relying solely on “you’ll do what I say” methods proves far more effective than traditional discipline. Kids are more capable than we often give them credit for, and the way we treat each other—full of judgment and harshness—sets the tone for our interactions with them.
When mothers feel supported instead of judged, there’s less pressure for instant solutions and more room for compassion. Losing our sense of community to judgment is a significant challenge, but we all have the power to work toward something better.
Further Reading
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Summary
Navigating parenting isn’t about fitting into strict categories like authoritarian or permissive styles; it’s about fostering respect and understanding between parents and kids. Emphasizing emotional acknowledgment over strict discipline helps children feel safe to express their feelings and opinions. By promoting love before judgment and building a supportive community, we can create healthier dynamics for both parents and children.