I can only guess the thoughts racing through your mind as we stepped inside. My six-year-old was elbow-deep in a bag of cheesy snacks, an orange soda precariously tucked under his arm. And there he was, proudly sporting mismatched socks—one bright blue with Transformers, the other red featuring Elmo—because, let’s face it, I simply didn’t have the energy to argue about his fashion choices.
Then there was my daughter, bursting in with her hair a wild mess after her hastily done pigtails, her ballet skirt sagging in a rather charming way. Meanwhile, I juggled the door, my wallet, my keys, and a book, all while trying to keep my cool.
“Did you mean to?” you inquired, glancing at my round belly and my neglect of personal hygiene.
Did I mean to?
Did I mean to lie on my back in our cozy little bed, tossing my legs over my husband’s shoulders while feeling like a carefree teenager for a few hours? Did I mean to share endless conversations at night with the man who four years ago stepped into the role of dad to my kids, all while hoping for one of his own?
Did I mean to find myself in a hospital storage room—yes, a storage room—because they were out of actual patient rooms? “Oh, she just needs some morphine,” they said as my husband supported me in a chair, blood soaking through my clothes and onto the floor. “There’s no heartbeat,” the nurse told us, while we wrapped our dreams in toilet paper and watched my husband’s heart break.
Did I mean to count every month, tracking each little thought, breath, and wish, only to sit on the toilet, tears streaming down my face because, once again, it hadn’t worked?
Did I mean to give up, only to finally see my womb welcome a baby I’ve been treating like a fragile porcelain doll for the past six months, holding my breath in fear that I’d hear those dreaded words from the doctor again?
Did I mean to bring another life into this chaotic world, where my TV blares a constant stream of scary news and buy-this-now nonsense, where I’m left wondering about tomorrow’s uncertainties and whether we’re headed for another conflict?
Did I mean to?
Yes. Absolutely, I meant to.
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Summary
This heartfelt reflection captures the chaotic beauty of parenthood, touching on the trials and tribulations of motherhood, from the joys of unexpected moments to the challenges of loss and the hope of new beginnings.