“Honey, something feels off with my taint!” I shout to my partner, Jake.
“Your what?” he replies, bewildered.
“My taint! How have you made it to 39 without knowing this? It’s the area that ain’t the vagina and ain’t the butt… it’s my perineum, for your information. There’s a bump, and it stings like crazy, but I can’t see it, so I’m in the dark here.”
“Could it be a hemorrhoid?” he suggests. “Have you been straining a lot?”
“Oh, maybe! This baby has definitely jammed things up down there. Would you even recognize a hemorrhoid if you saw one?”
“I might, but I’m not sure I want to get that close to your roid-ridden area,” he replies cautiously.
I can understand his reluctance to dive into the depths of my discomfort, yet this is the same guy who rushes to hold my hair back during my morning sickness. To me, that’s way worse! I’m always shouting, “Get away!” but he can’t hear me over the sound of my retching. Such a sweet yet horrible situation.
Anyway, after declining my offer to play doctor, Jake hands me a tube of Preparation H and leaves me to handle it. Miraculously, that bump feels better almost instantly, so I think his guess was right. Thank goodness, because I really didn’t want to discuss this with my OB at the next appointment.
When I first met Jake five years ago in a dimly lit bar, I never imagined I’d end up begging him to look at my pregnancy hemorrhoids. This is the reality of pregnancy—mystery gone! It disappeared the first time I peed with the door wide open. Honestly, if I didn’t, we’d never finish a conversation. I pee that often now!
And let’s not even mention the sneezing! I’m allergic to dust and, ironically, to cleaning, so let’s just say it’s a messy situation. I’m like a poorly trained puppy that Jake never asked for.
Oh, and the gas! I could power a motorboat right now. If you stuck a pin in my belly (please don’t!), I’d float across the room like a cartoon balloon. The miracle of life can really be gross sometimes.
But nothing compares to the sheer panic of “Stay up by my head or you’ll be scarred for life!” in the delivery room. The thought of pooping on that table, crowning, and episiotomies? You can’t unsee that!
I genuinely believe there should be an emotional epidural for partners to promote post-pregnancy amnesia. If not, no one would ever want to have sex again after the first child, and every family would have just one kid. Thank goodness for medical science!
If you’re curious about more aspects of home insemination and pregnancy, check out this helpful resource on IVF. And for a deeper dive into at-home insemination kits, visit Make a Mom’s guide to artificial insemination kits.
In summary, pregnancy comes with some surprisingly awkward and gross moments, but it’s all part of the miracle of life!