When I think back to my childhood summers, my parents’ “plan” for me was simple: “Go outside and play.” Fast forward to today, and if I tried that with my kids, I’d be pulling my hair out while struggling to finish my to-do list. Instead, I invest countless hours creating intricate schedules and shelling out a small fortune to keep my little ones engaged, entertained, and a bit out of my hair during those long, sweltering days.
The choices are endless: sculpting, swimming, surfing, sailing, science, art, gardening, gymnastics, Jujitsu, soccer, tumbling, fencing, and even Irish dancing. As much as I want my kids to be well-rounded and culturally enriched, I can’t help but ask: Where are the camps that would actually benefit me? Sure, a macaroni necklace is fun, but come on.
Then it hit me! I’m calling it Fantasy Camp, and I’m ready to share my brochure with the world. If someone is willing to turn this dream into a reality, all I ask is for two spots to be reserved for me and my sanity.
1. Yes, Mom
In this week-long camp, kids will discover that “yes” and “mom” are the two words they should be saying when asked to complete a task. Punishments will ensue for uttering phrases like “in a minute” or “but I did it yesterday.” This camp is a hit, so be sure to register early!
CAMP NOTES: Nutritious snacks provided. Kids who complain will be sent to our neighboring camp, “Shut Up and Eat It.”
2. Shut Up and Eat It
By the end of this rigorous week, your child will gain a newfound respect for the effort involved in preparing their meals. They’ll learn about grocery shopping, meal assembly, and why they should appreciate what’s on their plate. Camp motto: “It’s hot, it’s here, and you didn’t make it—so just eat it.”
CAMP NOTES: Enrollment in “Don’t You Roll Your Eyes at Me” is recommended beforehand.
3. Don’t You Roll Your Eyes at Me
This interactive camp focuses on the importance of nonverbal communication. Extended sessions cover essential skills like hands-on-hips, exaggerated sighs, and the art of stomping.
CAMP NOTES: Campers struggling with progress may be reassigned to “Yes, Mom” for additional support.
4. Bathroom Skills 101
Covering everything from changing toilet paper rolls to proper flossing techniques, this two-week camp is essential for any child. They will learn how to keep the bathroom tidy and, of course, how to flush the toilet!
CAMP NOTES: A 10% discount is offered for campers also enrolled in “Yes, Mom” and “Don’t You Roll Your Eyes at Me.”
5. Don’t Step Over It; PICK IT UP!
This enlightening camp teaches kids that their mess doesn’t magically disappear. They’ll learn how to tackle dirty laundry, wet towels, and random clutter with enthusiasm.
CAMP NOTES: Kids generally dislike this camp, making it a popular choice for when you need a little extra motivation for them—like when they refuse to say “Yes, Mom.”
6. Be Nice to Your Brother/Sister
This one is essentially a week filled with bribery and gentle threats, masquerading as free babysitting.
CAMP NOTES: Good luck navigating this one!
NEW CAMPS ARE BEING ADDED WEEKLY, AND WE WELCOME CUSTOM REQUESTS! LET US CREATE THE PERFECT CAMP FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS!
SPECIAL NOTE: Due to popular demand, husbands can now enroll in any of our camps too!
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In summary, these imaginative camps not only promise to teach valuable life skills but also aim to give parents a much-needed break. Whether it’s learning to appreciate meals or picking up after themselves, these camps are designed to create a more harmonious home, one lesson at a time.