It seems like everywhere you turn, someone is telling parents they’re doing it wrong. Whether it’s through random articles, television pundits, or so-called parenting gurus, the message is often the same: we’re too lenient, and it’s creating a generation of stressed-out kids. Sure, I think there’s room for improvement, but the solution isn’t to crank up the discipline or have zero tolerance for “bad” behavior.
If I had a dollar for every time I encountered a “troublesome” child who grew into a less-than-stellar adult, I’d be rolling in it. Because here’s the truth: “badness” doesn’t just vanish. It lurks in the shadows, waiting for mistakes—yes, even honest ones—to rear their ugly heads later in life. I don’t subscribe to the idea of “bad” kids, nor do I believe most parents fall into the “bad” category. We’re all navigating a complicated web of cultural expectations that often clash with the natural instincts of children just trying to figure themselves out.
Disclaimer
I’m not a huge fan of parenting shows. There, I said it, and I won’t take it back. My view of “discipline” is entirely different from what’s typically portrayed on those shows.
This discussion isn’t just about parenting styles or specific disciplinary tactics. It’s about fostering respect—not only between parents and kids but also among parents themselves. “Stop being a jerk” is my personal motto, and I hope it becomes a guiding principle for my kids too, as I model respect in our interactions and with others.
Respect doesn’t mean we have to agree. I can think you’re great even if our views clash. When I see you struggling with your tantrum-throwing child in the store, I won’t judge you for a second.
We’ve lost that sense of community, that “village,” to judgment and pressure. Maybe it’s time to reclaim it.
The Deal with Discipline
So, what’s the deal with discipline, and why do we cling to it so tightly? When most people think of discipline, they picture a child walking calmly through the grocery aisle—everything opposite of that kid throwing a fit in the candy section, right? But what does discipline really mean?
Discipline—often equated with obedience—implies that a child can regulate their emotions and actions. But guess what? Not all kids can do this, and no child can do it all the time. Spoiler alert: we didn’t evolve to be perfect either. We’re wired to spend a lot of time in close contact with our caregivers, syncing our heartbeats and breathing rhythms.
We also evolved with our own opinions. Children deserve more respect than they often receive—not in a way that means we do everything for them, but in a way that acknowledges their feelings.
This is where it gets tricky. Parents who prioritize listening and don’t demand strict obedience are often labeled as indulgent. Yet there’s a fine line between traditional obedience-based discipline and an approach that values respectful acknowledgment, focusing on long-term rewards instead of quick fixes.
One of the reasons we push for strict behavior is our overwhelming fear of shame, especially in public. While we might feel tense during a tantrum at home, it’s nothing compared to the pressure we feel when others are watching. Humans have evolved to experience shame and depression rather than resort to physical conflict, which is why judgment affects us so deeply.
Instead of thinking, “I understand, kids have strong feelings,” we often hear, “Your kids are out of control; what kind of parent allows that?” Well, it’s the kind of parent who realizes a tantrum is just an expression of an unmet need or emotion. Kids aren’t bad; they need help navigating their feelings, and they shouldn’t fear expressing them. They’re allowed to be furious about not getting those twelve bags of marshmallows!
Honestly, I’d be upset too if I couldn’t indulge in that marshmallow dream. I just have a bit more impulse control.
Building Trust Through Communication
If we want our kids to confide in us about serious matters as they grow older, we need to be receptive to their concerns about the little things today. While we might not understand why the blue sippy cup is more important than the pink one, to them, these issues are monumental. They carry these feelings into adulthood because, to them, they’ve always been significant.
Perspective is crucial.
There’s a significant difference between acknowledgment and agreement. Just because we respect our child’s feelings doesn’t mean we have to give in to every whim, just like we wouldn’t hand over an IUD to a teenager who wants to chat about relationships. Respectful parenting doesn’t equate to indulgence; it encompasses discussion, disagreement, and compromise. It’s about prioritizing communication and showing love before casting judgment.
This is how we should treat each other, especially when parenting in public: with love, not judgment. So where did this intense judgment come from? It’s not inherent; it’s learned behavior, passed down through generations without anyone realizing it could be different.
We can choose to respect people with whom we disagree. We can extend kindness to those who parent differently, just as we can show love and respect to our children when their opinions clash with ours. Neither party has to be wrong for the other to be right in the context of our families. We can be the support system we desperately need.
Sure, kids won’t always agree with us. They might yell in public and declare that we’re unfair or even say they hate us. But if they feel safe arguing with us over marshmallows now, they’ll be more likely to argue with Dave when he offers them a cigarette later. Teaching them that it’s okay to express their opinions and be heard lays the groundwork for respectful dialogue in the future.
Whether you see it as disobedience or emotional expression, responding with love reinforces that our affection isn’t conditional on their behavior. “Good” isn’t defined by actions; it’s an inherent quality in everyone. Kids aren’t bad; they just sometimes make questionable choices—just like us. Nobody’s perfect. The mom yelling at her kid in the grocery store might just be having a rough day, not a bad parenting moment.
Empathy Through Kindness
Promoting empathy through kindness and modeling behavior rather than merely demanding obedience does more to resolve issues now and in the future than traditional disciplinary methods. Kids are capable of so much more than we realize, but if we treat each other with harshness and judgment, we’ll likely mirror that behavior with our children.
There’s less pressure for immediate solutions and more room for understanding when the community supports parents without all that judge-y nonsense. Losing that village to judgment is a significant issue, but we all have the power to strive for something better.
Summary
Parenting is less about strict discipline and more about fostering respect and understanding. Emphasizing love over judgment helps children express their feelings, which builds a foundation for open communication as they grow. By resisting societal pressures and supporting one another, we can create a more empathetic parenting community.