I have a daughter who is eight years old. Yes, you heard that right—EIGHT! The other day, during a casual conversation with a woman at the salon, I was taken aback when she asked if I was concerned that my daughter might be a lesbian. This question didn’t come out of nowhere; it followed a lengthy discussion about my daughter’s interests and personality. At first, I was stunned, then I laughed awkwardly and mumbled something about being indifferent before leaving.
Five minutes later, as I sat in my car, I felt a wave of frustration wash over me. I was annoyed—not just with the woman’s question, but with myself for not being able to articulate my feelings better. Her inquiry reflected the reaction I have encountered regarding my daughter for years; she just voiced it more openly than others.
You see, my daughter is a tomboy, and I mean a full-on, all-in kind of tomboy. Ever since she turned four, she has adamantly refused to wear dresses. While her peers were joining the Rainbows, she chose Beavers instead. Her Christmas lists feature skateboards, black skull duvet covers, and Spiderman hoodies. She sports boys’ clothing, boys’ shoes, and even tucks her long hair under a baseball cap. At our 10th wedding anniversary party, she wore a suit. She often prefers to be called names like Sam or Ben and is more familiar with Batman characters than princesses.
Initially, I thought this was just a phase, but here we are, four years later, and nothing has changed—well, except for me.
People often struggle to understand a girl who dresses like a boy, and I can’t blame them. I was once in their shoes, laughing at similar situations until I realized that my laughter had morphed into concern. I worried that something was amiss with her, questioning if she had gender dysphoria or if others believed I was somehow pushing her to behave this way. What troubled me most was that she didn’t align with my preconceived notions of what a daughter should be, and it began to affect our relationship. I didn’t truly understand her.
While I saw other girls with ribbons in their hair, twirling in Cinderella dresses and playing with Barbies, my daughter stood out, often mistaken for a boy in her army camo and skull-patterned wellies. Her first teacher even suggested she had self-esteem issues. The annual school dance became a source of stress because the school couldn’t fathom why she wouldn’t wear a pretty dress. She wanted to play with boys, who were more accepting, but even they recognized she wasn’t one of them.
Then, a friend of mine delivered the wake-up call I desperately needed. While we were discussing her, she cut me off and said, “Jessica. I’m not having this conversation with you right now. She’s eight and she’s happy. If she faces real issues as a teenager, then we can talk.” Those words struck a chord. In that moment, I realized that my daughter is incredibly unique. She is genuinely happy in her own skin, and as far as self-esteem goes, she knows exactly who she is. It was time for me to focus on her well-being, tune out the noise from others, and reflect on my own misconceptions.
After all, regardless of whether she grows up to be gay, desires a sex change, or chooses an entirely different path, what difference does it make? Isn’t it more important for a child to express who they are openly than to spend years hiding their true self? What truly matters is her happiness, and I will support her no matter what.
Once I embraced her identity, our relationship transformed. No longer did we argue over her hat or clothing choices, nor did I try to force her into activities that didn’t resonate with her. I stopped being a mother who inadvertently disrespected her daughter’s clear vision of self, even at the tender age of eight.
Lately, I’ve come across articles lamenting how daughters are becoming “clones” and “copycats.” I’ve read complaints about the influence of Disney princesses and the pervasive pink culture for girls. Many parents express a desire to steer clear of conformity for their daughters, and I understand that worry.
But here’s the thing: I have a daughter who defies those norms and doesn’t care about conforming at all. Yet, I often encounter bewilderment from others, and she’s regularly mistaken for a boy. Sometimes, I correct people; sometimes, I don’t, because she genuinely doesn’t mind. When I do correct them, I often receive odd looks or comments like “Weird, I thought that was a boy.” I’ve even been asked if I’m worried she’ll turn out to be a lesbian or if I’m disappointed that I don’t have a “girly girl.”
A fitting comparison is Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The media scrutiny surrounding Shiloh’s short hair and preference for suits was astonishing, with some even speculating that Brad and Angelina desired a boy. While I may not relate to Angelina in many ways, I am certain we share a common struggle: the challenge of accepting our daughters’ identities and appreciating their courage to be themselves rather than conform.
Yesterday, my daughter mentioned that her classmates sometimes ask if she’s a boy or a girl. I asked how this made her feel, and her response was simple: “I don’t mind. I’m not bothered. They’ll learn.” Yes, they will, kiddo. They will.
So, I went out and bought her a Batman bag.
For more insights about parenting in the face of societal norms, check out this blog post. If you’re on a journey towards parenthood, this website offers excellent resources for at-home insemination kits, and IVF Babble is a fantastic resource for all things pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, embracing my daughter’s identity has transformed our relationship and allowed me to let go of societal expectations. It’s essential to prioritize her happiness and individuality over the opinions of others.
Leave a Reply