“Max! Can you please come out of the closet?” I called out to my son, genuinely hoping he’d stop hiding in there.
“Alright, Mom! Here I come! How did you find me?” he exclaimed, dashing out with his little three-year-old frame launching into my arms.
Max is stunning—almost enchanting. His soft features and big, almond-shaped eyes are utterly endearing, not to mention his sweet, high-pitched voice. He loves pink and purple, often clomping around the house in my high heels, with a tube of cherry Chapstick tucked in his pocket, always reapplying and pursing his lips for that perfect finish.
Meanwhile, Lily, who’s five, has always been the quintessential girly girl. Max, on the other hand, strikes a balance, not leaning too far into either extreme. I don’t believe he’s gay, nor do I think Lily is. Yet I’ve pondered how I would respond if either of them came out to me in the future. To preserve my current feelings, I’ve decided to write a letter to my future self—a practice I often enjoy on my blog—to ensure I remember my sentiments when that day arrives.
Dear Me,
Hey there, fabulous! Long time no chat! If you’re reading this, either Max has come out as gay, or Lily has confided in you that she’s a lesbian. Either way, it’s time to remember the promise you made to yourself quite some time ago.
Remember those fanciful moments when Max would crawl around pretending to be a pink cat? You’ve always acknowledged how “pretty” he is. And while you knew Lily would one day play soccer like her father, you might not have expected her to bulldoze opponents on the field. Yet that scholarship to the University of Virginia, your alma mater, confirmed she knows how to navigate life.
You might have been on the sidelines squealing like a banshee during the game, but hey, nobody noticed, right?
Now, let’s not forget the agreement you made with yourself. If you find yourself in a situation where either of your children comes out, remember this:
- It’s normal to feel scared and worried. Take a deep breath. Pour yourself a drink and relax. Your fear comes from wanting them to be accepted and to navigate life without encountering hatred or ignorance. You’ve felt the sting of cruelty and the bitterness of discrimination before, like the time you woke up to hateful graffiti on your home. You’ve experienced the shattering sound of glass from bricks thrown through windows.
- You’ve been the outsider. Feeling alone as one of the few Indian kids in a predominantly white town. Those feelings of shame and resentment toward your heritage? They’re not yours to carry. The shame belongs to those who perpetrate hate. So, your job now is to ensure your kids never feel shame about who they are. They should embrace their identity and know you will always stand by them, no matter what society thinks.
- You vowed to do anything for them. Remember when they were little and so fragile, snuggling against you? It felt like heaven, even with the looming knowledge that you couldn’t protect them from everything life throws at them. You promised to support them unconditionally. You can’t fight every battle for them, but make sure they know you’re always in their corner. Don’t ever backtrack on that promise.
- Their identity doesn’t change who they are in your eyes. Reinforce that they are amazing people, regardless of their sexual orientation. Remind them that it’s not a choice, just as your own identity wasn’t a choice. If you ever think about sending them to some misguided conversion therapy, seriously, just walk into a wall and knock some sense into yourself.
- Encourage them to live freely. As if someone is always watching. There will always be critics, but that shouldn’t deter them. They need to dance like they’ve got a spotlight on them, living life so fully that even the naysayers are left speechless.
That’s all I wanted to say before you start worrying about something you once promised yourself wouldn’t stress you out. Just remember to support, love, and fight for your kids. Breathe. You’ve got this!
Love,
Yourself (but really, it’s just you).
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In summary, parenting is a journey filled with love and challenges. Embrace your children’s identities, support them unconditionally, and remember that their happiness is what truly matters.