I spent another restless night tossing and turning, a recurring theme that has been increasingly prevalent in my life lately. With each attempt to find sleep, an unsettling anxiety creeps in, overwhelming me until I can’t even lie down. Instead, I find myself pacing the house, mulling over how my life has transformed from what it once was.
Having experienced intense stress as a soldier in a war zone, I recognize pressure on multiple levels. While my life may appear stable and fulfilling to an outsider, it comes with its own set of challenges. I am genuinely fortunate in many ways: I have three small children who are healthy, joyful, and, bless them, great sleepers. They rarely give me trouble, and for that, I am grateful. My husband, whom I love dearly, works tirelessly each day to provide for our family.
So why, then, do I feel this constant weight on my chest? Why does a nagging thought linger in the back of my mind, only to surface in the stillness of the night, ready for me to unravel it repeatedly?
At 18, I enlisted in the Army, and my life quickly became a whirlwind of responsibilities and action. Deployed to Iraq at 19, I was entrusted with the safety of an entire Forward Operating Base (FOB). It was there that I met my husband, and the rest is history. Transitioning from soldier to stay-at-home mom has been both rewarding and daunting. Now, at 24, I find myself juggling the demands of raising a three-year-old and two-year-old twins, and the weight of this role can be overwhelming.
I watch as my friends and family pursue their careers, advance in their studies, and celebrate their achievements. While I feel genuine happiness for them, it often leaves me feeling empty. I understand that I should feel nothing but gratitude for the opportunity to shape my children into compassionate individuals, to witness their milestones, and to rock them to sleep each night. Yet, instead, I am engulfed by a sense of panic, as if I am being left behind and my life is slipping away.
Night after night, I find myself pacing, trapped in a cycle of despair, on the verge of tears, wishing for someone to tell me that it’s alright—that this feeling will pass. I long for reassurance that I am indeed blessed and that one day I will reclaim my sense of self.
When I imagined motherhood, I pictured the warmth of spending endless afternoons with my first child, building a beautiful bond through quiet moments and gentle goodnights. But as I navigate the daily grind, I often feel too exhausted to fully appreciate those moments.
Motherhood, I’ve come to realize, is a complex and chaotic journey. Compared to the straightforward mission of staying alive and fulfilling duties as a soldier, motherhood feels like a tangled web of uncertainties, where the right path is often unclear and the stakes are high.
This is my way of reaching out, hoping to find solidarity in this experience. I recognize that something must change, and I aspire to become the mother my children can look up to. For those who are also navigating this challenging path, consider exploring resources like CDC’s guide on pregnancy for additional support, or intracervical insemination for information on family planning. For couples embarking on this journey, Make a Mom offers valuable insights into artificial insemination options.
In summary, the transition from soldier to mother can be fraught with unexpected challenges and feelings of inadequacy. It is a journey filled with love, yet it can also lead to feelings of isolation and doubt. Recognizing these feelings is the first step toward finding balance and grace in motherhood.