When my former partner shared that our relationship was far from what I believed, and that he had indulged in some extracurricular activities that certainly didn’t involve arts and crafts, my initial reaction was to YELL. Following that emotional explosion, I put on a brave face and pretended everything was perfectly fine. And then, reality hit—I called a lawyer and got serious.
As time passed, I reflected on my past romances and recognized that each one contributed to my growth, ultimately guiding me to the moment my ex and I parted ways.
Stage One: The Fairy Tale Phase
In my early years, I was conditioned by classic fairy tales featuring characters like Ariel, Belle, and Cinderella. According to my youthful education, if I embodied purity, sacrificed my voice, or transformed into a damsel in distress, I was destined to find my prince charming. This prince would profess his love within minutes, kiss me shortly after, and whisk me away to a happily ever after without any drama. I constructed elaborate scenarios during playtime, always envisioning a swooning figure ready to rescue me while I donned a glittery dress and sparkly shoes. True love felt like an easy goal if I played my part right.
Stage Two: The Coming-of-Age Phase
As I matured, my understanding of relationships was shaped by the pages of Anne of Green Gables and magazines like Seventeen. I mastered the art of being quirky yet relatable, laughing at every joke to ensure I was noticed. I maintained pen pal connections long after summer camp, deciphering letters for hidden affection. I even partook in adventures that made me uncomfortable, all in the name of fitting in. Yet, no one ever taught me how to discern if these boys were right for me.
Stage Three: The Modern Romance Phase
Eventually, my childhood heroes were replaced by characters from shows like Buffy and Sex and the City. The narrative now dictated that if I was amusing, stylish without effort, and slim enough, that love—or at least an exhilarating romance—was just around the corner. However, I watched as Carrie Bradshaw cheated on Aidan with Mr. Big, and I recognized a troubling pattern. “Too nice” became a valid reason for heartbreak, and I found myself drawn to the intense, brooding types who seemed to need saving.
Stage Four: The Bad Boy Obsession
Then came the most tumultuous of romances, the one where I fantasized about forever. It was a classic tale with a familiar ending. What I finally realized is that those emotionally unavailable men were transparent; they were not the complex puzzles I imagined. They simply weren’t invested in me. They enjoyed my devotion, my willingness to do their laundry, and the dinners I paid for, but they were not reciprocating.
Sadly, the cultural narratives around love have not evolved much in the past two decades. As a mother to young boys, I’m left pondering what lessons to impart. Should they aspire to be the prince? The dark and brooding man? I certainly don’t want them to think that true love requires sacrificing one’s voice for the sake of superficial beauty.
Now, as I approach my late 30s, my understanding of love has shifted. Kindness, bravery, intelligence, and humor have become the traits I find most desirable. Dark and brooding may have had its moment, but I now choose to bask in the warmth of genuine connection.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of love and relationships can be challenging. From fairy tales to modern romances, our understanding evolves with experience. It’s essential to prioritize healthy traits in partners and guide the next generation toward meaningful connections.
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