So let’s get this straight: I went through the whole ordeal of bringing a human into this world, and who gets to have a celebration every year on that special day? The little bundle of joy? Nope, it feels like the real star is my back pain from childbirth.
In just a couple of months, my adorable little chaos machine is about to turn four (Fingers crossed that four is better than three). Time to dive headfirst into the world of birthday party planning. Ugh, is there anything more exasperating? Maybe climbing a mountain? Nah, I’d say they’re equally dreadful.
1. The Expense
Sure, I’d love to host the party in our backyard and save a ton of cash, but A. You know it’s going to pour rain, hail, and unleash a plague of locusts on that day, and B. My child is 200% convinced she wants to celebrate at one of those inflatable bounce house venues. Seriously?! I once saw a kid hurl in one of those places, and the chaos that ensued was enough to make me bleach my kid’s skin clean. So, yeah, let’s just say I’ve developed a slight aversion to bouncing venues.
2. The Party Favors
I just kept your little monster entertained for hours, and now I’m supposed to send them off with a gift too? Some folks call them goody bags, while I prefer to label them as cheap plastic junk from overseas that’s probably toxic. What a great idea to spend more money on stuff that might be dangerous for kids!
3. The Guest List
Wait, how many kids are we inviting? Are we planning a wedding here? She’s only four! There’s this ridiculous rule now that we have to invite every kid in her class to avoid hurt feelings. What?! They’re four! They can barely talk beyond “poo-poo” and “doodoo.” Whatever happened to that natural hierarchy where not everyone got invited to everything? Remember when kids could be left out without a meltdown? I mean, if my daughter wants to invite a booger collector, fine, but only if they’re actually friends.
4. The RSVP Drama
Please, for the love of everything good, just respond! I realize it means “please respond,” but really, it’s just a polite way of saying “DO IT.” I know you’re busy, but so am I—counting how many pizza slices I need to order to satisfy your tiny tornado. And if you don’t RSVP and your kid shows up, sorry, but they’re not getting any pizza!
5. Cake
Is there anything to complain about when it comes to birthday cake? Nope! Cake is my ultimate best friend, and I’m not saying a single bad thing about it. I love you, birthday cake!
6. Pinterest
And speaking of friends, let’s discuss Pinterest. Pinterest can be the bane of my existence. I see these perfect party setups that make me feel like a total slacker. Just the other day at a party hosted by my ex-friend, Megan, I was left feeling like a failure for simply tossing chips into a bowl while she showcased her elaborate cake pops and floral arrangements. Thanks, Pinterest!
7. Balloons
Kids treat balloons like they’re made of gold, but they’re actually a huge hassle. Your child will inevitably let go of her balloon, and you’ll find yourself running to retrieve it every five minutes. If you’re outside, the tears will flow like a river the minute that balloon floats away. Plus, if one of those things pops, brace yourself for a meltdown of epic proportions.
8. Lunch
What’s the math for feeding a horde of tiny humans? Eight times 22 divided by 2.5 plus seven times 15… oh forget it! Just order the biggest pizza package you can find. Oh, and don’t even think about taking leftovers home; the trunk of my car is going to be filled with gifts!
9. Gifts
I’ve heard of some parents making registries for birthday gifts. Seriously? So here’s my dream registry: 1. 2. 3. Yes, that’s right—nothing! The last thing I need is more clutter in my house. Actually, I’d love for everyone to bring us empty gift bags of various sizes. That’s the real win for throwing a party!
10. Thank You Notes
I’m all for gratitude when my child can actually write. So guess who ends up writing them all? Yours truly. If your kid gives my little one a drum set or a stuffed animal, guess what? Your thank-you note will be filled with glitter and confetti. Surprise!
So if you don’t receive an invite to my child’s birthday bash in a few weeks, consider it a compliment. It means I like you and don’t want to drag you into this madness. And if you do get an invitation, I’m genuinely sorry!
In summary, birthday parties can be overwhelming, from the costs to the chaos of planning and managing guests. But in the end, it’s all about celebrating another year of life, even if it feels like a circus.