As I approached the doctor’s office, my anxiety levels were through the roof. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that accompanied me to see Dr. Smith, my ob/gyn. This was my fourth visit in five years, a follow-up after my recent miscarriage. I hoped that once I arrived, my nerves would settle. I tried deep breathing and positive affirmations, but to no avail. Fear and worry loomed large as I anticipated the appointment.
What was I so afraid of? The answer was clear: I held myself responsible for the loss. I feared that my visit would solidify my worst nightmare—that I was the reason our baby had died.
Just six weeks prior, my husband and I had been excitedly heading to our 12-week ultrasound. A month earlier, we had seen our baby with a strong heartbeat, and we anticipated seeing its little face that day. Instead, the devastating news hit us like a brick wall: the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks. We had lost our fourth angel.
As I processed this heartbreaking news, I couldn’t help but calculate when the baby had died. Had I inadvertently caused this loss? At 10 weeks pregnant, I had taken a girls’ trip to New York City with my sister and mother. Was it something I did while I was there?
Perhaps it was the soft mozzarella I enjoyed at that lovely Italian restaurant—was it unpasteurized? Or could it have been the fact that I was walking an average of six miles a day? My body wasn’t accustomed to that level of activity.
Then there was that sip of wine my sister insisted I try. I should have known better. What about the flight? I have circulation issues severe enough to require baby aspirin during pregnancy. Did flying affect the oxygen supply my baby needed?
And then there was caffeine. I aimed to keep my intake under 200 mg, but did I miscalculate? Deep down, I felt that the loss of my baby was entirely my fault, and that realization weighed heavily on my heart.
Experiencing a fourth loss was utterly devastating. After having my two daughters, Ella and Mia, I had foolishly believed that I was out of the woods. But as it turned out, getting pregnant felt like playing Russian Roulette with a child’s life.
After a brief wait, Dr. Smith’s nurse, Laura, called me back. She expressed her heartfelt condolences before checking my blood pressure, which was alarmingly high at 148/98, well above my usual 110/70. I knew I needed to calm my racing heart.
While I waited for the doctor, I took deep breaths, trying to convince myself that I wasn’t to blame. Miscarriage can happen for many reasons, especially in the first trimester. The miracle lies in the babies that make it to term. Then I had to remind myself that no matter what the reason was, I couldn’t change the outcome—I could only wait for Dr. Smith’s insights.
After several moments, she entered the room and embraced me. Dr. Smith had been my steadfast ally through every loss, always optimistic. She sat down and shared the results from the genetic testing on the fetus.
“Your baby was a girl,” she said gently. I couldn’t help but laugh, amazed that my intuition had been correct; I had felt she was a girl since I was five weeks along.
Dr. Smith continued, “It looks like there were some extra chromosomes. It’s hard to determine if they were in the baby or the placenta, but there were indicators suggesting it was likely the baby. Specifically, she had an extra chromosome 21, which is associated with Down’s Syndrome.”
A wave of relief washed over me. I could finally release the guilt; there was something inherently wrong from the start. Dr. Smith reassured me that the chances of experiencing this again were low, despite my age. I shared that my husband and I intended to try for another child, and she smiled, encouraging me to call her as soon as I received a positive pregnancy test.
Part of me still fears enduring another loss if I become pregnant again. At 42, the statistics suggest it’s a possibility. Yet, all I can do is hope for a different outcome and cherish my wonderful husband and daughters. Until we know what the future holds, I’ll focus on loving them deeply.
If you’re navigating similar waters, you might find valuable insights in our other blog post. Also, if you’re considering home insemination, reputable retailers like Make a Mom offer great options like at-home insemination syringe kits, and UCSF’s Center is an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination support.
Summary
The journey through miscarriage is fraught with emotions, particularly feelings of guilt. It’s vital to understand that many factors contribute to pregnancy loss, and it’s usually not the mother’s fault. Seeking support and understanding the medical aspects can help in the healing process.
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