Just like first-time parents-to-be who blissfully overlook the challenges of childbirth, my partner and I sat through numerous adoption workshops, exchanging knowing glances. “It won’t be that way for us,” our smiles seemed to say. Yet, it turned out to be quite similar. Even the well-informed adoption professionals couldn’t prepare us for the reality we faced. Now, over a decade into our parenting journey—blessed with two adopted children and one biological—I’ve compiled a list of things I wish I had understood before diving into adoption.
1. Adoption is a beautiful means to create a family.
2. Regardless of how straightforward your adoption appears, it’s rooted in loss.
Even in the rare instance where you’re lucky enough to bring home a newborn directly from the hospital, your child will still be impacted by their adoption. Their birth family experiences loss, too, and you may feel the void of not having carried your child. The emotional echoes of adoption can linger, often unseen.
3. Surround yourself with a supportive community.
Surround yourself with a supportive community that celebrates the rituals associated with family formation. The two baby showers we received made us feel validated as a family, countering the external doubts we faced.
4. Expect some people to regard your family as less than “real.”
Our initial social worker—yes, a SOCIAL WORKER—was pregnant and frequently suggested that while she was creating a family, we were merely playing house. During a home visit, she looked at our nursery and said, “I wouldn’t advise preparing for a child, you never know…” I couldn’t help but ask her, “Do you have a nursery ready?” She proudly pointed to her belly, saying, “Mine’s a sure thing.” Ouch.
5. Budget for two to three times more than the agency estimates for your adoption costs.
If you need it, it’ll be there. If not, congratulations on starting a college fund!
6. Ensure someone is there to greet you when you bring your child home.
If you’re adopting internationally, have friends waiting at the airport. Coming home from the hospital? Make sure loved ones are ready to celebrate your new addition, irrespective of their age. We returned from Haiti to an empty airport, and it dulled the joy of becoming parents.
7. Most inquiries about your children come from a place of good intentions.
Some are curious, some are contemplating adoption, others may be grandparents waiting for their grandchild, or even children innocently asking questions. Approach these interactions with kindness.
8. There will be those whose intentions are not so pure.
Don’t hesitate to set boundaries. Once, a woman asked me, “Where did you get those kids and how much did you pay?” I replied, “They became part of our family through adoption.” When she pushed for more details, I turned the question back to her, asking about her own children. It was a moment that escalated quickly, but it illustrated the importance of standing up for your family.
9. Honor your child’s birth country and biological family.
While it’s essential to be truthful about any challenges they may face, always approach the topic with respect.
10. If you’re adopting under the impression that the child requires saving, reconsider.
Adopting out of disdain for their culture or background strips them of dignity and is not love.
11. Understand that adoption is a long-term commitment.
If your child exhibits unexpected behavior, remember you are still their parent. Adoption can be complex, and often emotional scars can manifest in various ways. If you wouldn’t abandon a biological child with special needs, don’t think about “returning” an adopted one.
12. At times, especially during their tween years, your child may express a desire for their “real” parents.
During moments of frustration, it can hurt.
13. If your child cannot maintain contact with their birth family, they might fantasize about living with them.
Often viewing that fantasy as superior to their current life.
14. Scenarios like those in points 12 and 13 are normal.
Your child might even run away seeking their birth family, and this is part of their journey.
15. Typical developmental challenges will be influenced by your child’s adoption experience.
Many factors may remain unknown to you, making this journey hard for everyone involved.
16. Lack of medical history can be a significant hurdle for parents.
For many kids, the confusion can turn into embarrassment and, later on, devastation.
17. The feelings of loss you experience for not carrying your child are amplified for them.
As you navigate your own grief, be aware theirs is deeper.
18. Most friends and family members may not fully understand the emotional complexities of adoption.
19. Seek out those who do understand these complexities.
Finding a supportive network is invaluable.
20. Adoption is still a sensitive topic in many circles.
Others may dismiss your child’s behavior as typical, but adoption adds another layer to these challenges. As a parent, you must be prepared to advocate for your child and educate those around you, from teachers to family members.
For further insights, consider visiting this post on our blog. It’s important to equip yourself with the right knowledge. If you’re looking for resources about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent guide. Additionally, for at-home insemination kits, Make a Mom offers a range of products that could be helpful.
In summary, adoption is a profound journey filled with joys and challenges. Understanding the emotional landscape of adoption can help build a strong foundation for your family. Prepare yourself, seek support, and cherish every moment.
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