By: Jessica Turner
Updated: Dec. 18, 2023
Originally Published: June 25, 2011
The day arrived sooner than I anticipated. My 9-year-old son, Ethan, giggled nervously as he recounted a moment from his day at school. He searched my face for a reaction, and I fought to hide my surprise, determined to appear open-minded. This was a pivotal moment in our relationship, and I didn’t want to squander it. Instead of jumping straight into a lecture—though my instinct was to do just that—I decided to ask him questions. Just ask.
Ethan was talking about a friend, a classmate who had somehow brought a smartphone to school. This friend had stumbled upon a photo of an unclothed woman and had shown it to his peers. I had always expected this conversation to happen during middle school, not elementary school. Growing up in a time before the Internet, I don’t have a frame of reference for when children usually encounter explicit content online. Back in my day, we found magazines hidden under beds, not an endless supply of images on phones. Yet, I was aware that my kids might come across—or even seek out—sexual content online far earlier than I’d like. Over the years, I’ve tried to prepare for what I call “The Birds and the Bees 2.0.” This modern sex talk goes beyond just explaining reproduction; it also delves into the complexities of sex in the digital world.
And so, I had the conversation with Ethan—my somewhat clumsy version of it. “You know,” I began, working to maintain an air of neutrality, “many images of naked people on the Internet aren’t consensual. Some of those individuals are exploited, and some are even minors.”
Ethan furrowed his brow. “You mean kids like me?”
I hesitated, wanting to be truthful without scaring him. “Yes, some are. Even older teens can be affected. They might share a photo but not realize it’s out there for everyone to see.”
“That’s terrible,” he replied, his eyes wide.
“It is. And sometimes, those pictures or videos portray people in ways that don’t reflect real life. Often, women—though men too—aren’t treated well. Their bodies may not look like what you see in real life. Filters, makeup, and editing can change everything,” I explained, trying to clarify.
Ethan’s face scrunched up in disgust. “Gross, Mom!”
“…I understand you think it’s gross now, but it’s important to talk about.” I wanted him to grasp that not all bodies are like those in the images he might encounter online. “You need to approach these images—and people—with respect, because I love you.”
Our conversation continued, filled with questions and my honest attempts to answer him appropriately for his age. It was challenging and, let’s be real, awkward.
“Looking at naked pictures isn’t inherently bad,” I continued, noting his discomfort. “One day, you might find it interesting. But I want you to think critically about what you see. You need to consider the kinds of images you’re looking at, especially those that are explicit.”
As I spoke, I saw two different versions of Ethan: the carefree boy who still got mud on his clothes and the soon-to-be young man who would eventually have his own secrets and crushes.
Part of me wished I could enforce a strict “no adult content online” rule. Or perhaps, “You can check out adult material, but clear it with me first!” But the more rational side of me knew that these restrictions wouldn’t hold up in the long run. My son will have continued access to screens and the Internet, and according to a recent study from Northwestern, 43% of teens have encountered pornography online.
What I want Ethan—and my other two sons—to understand is that sex can be beautiful, positive, and fun. I want them to embrace sex without guilt or shame. They must learn about consent, and recognize that not all pornography reflects reality. They should approach adult content thoughtfully, with a keen awareness of the complexities surrounding sex, power, and representation.
So, I’ll keep having this Birds and the Bees 2.0 talk with them, no matter how clumsy or gritty it might feel. While I can’t control everything they see, I can certainly help shape the way they perceive the world. For further insights on navigating these conversations, check out this insightful post on Cervical Insemination. If you’re considering at-home insemination options, Make a Mom is a reputable retailer for insemination kits, and Progyny offers excellent resources on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, navigating the complexities of modern sexuality with our children requires open dialogue, honesty, and a willingness to engage with their curiosities in a respectful manner. It’s not just about the mechanics of sex but about fostering a healthy understanding of relationships in a digital world.
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